


Sentimental Memories

by soul_writerr



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Catholic Guilt, Domestic Bliss, Family, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, Internal Conflict, Jealousy, M/M, Married Life, Memory Loss, Religious Conflict, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-06-25 23:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19755931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: With a little grunt, Sonny turned his head slightly towards Rafael, wincing. Rafael smiled encouragingly at him, waiting for him to settle again. Then, when Sonny spoke, the three words that left his mouth shattered Rafael’s world in a way he never thought possible.“Who are you?”Memory loss AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I decided to write an amnesia fic I never imagined how much work it would be. I've cried a lot writing this, not gonna lie, but it's also been an experience in trying to find a different take on this long-loved trope. I'm not sure if I managed, but I hope you enjoy this either way!
> 
> The title was taken from Lea Michele's song of the same name, but while the lyrics don't necessarily fit this story, it does help set the mood for what's to come. So give it a listen if you feel like it!

Sonny looked up from the meatballs he was cooking when he heard the key turn on the door lock. It was earlier than he expected, and he was surprised, but definitely not disappointed. He relished on the days he and his husband got to have dinner together at a reasonable hour.

He watched as Rafael walked in, closed the door behind himself, and started his daily routine of taking off his coat, his vest, shoes and suit jacket, then pulling off his tie and undoing the buttons on his collar and his cuffs. From there, he walked towards the dining room and set his briefcase in one of the chairs, then making his way to Sonny with a tired smile.

“Hey, baby,” Sonny greeted in a whisper when Rafael tucked himself into his arms. “Tough day?”

Realistically, Sonny knew most of their days were hard, but it took a special brand of  _ absolutely shit _ for it to render Rafael speechlessly tired like he was now, nuzzling his face into Sonny’s neck with a sigh. 

Sonny turned his face to press a kiss on Rafael’s jaw, cheek, temple, hair, anywhere he could reach without dislodging him, until he felt Rafael relax in his embrace. He kept his arms tight around Rafael’s waist, pulling lightly at his husband’s suspenders like he always loved doing.

They stood there for a moment, and Sonny felt Rafael’s eyes fluttering shut against his neck. 

“I love you,” he whispered, kissing his hair again. “And it’s okay if you don’t feel like talking at all. I’ll make you a plate for after you shower, alright?”

He felt Rafael nod, then he pressed a soft kiss to Sonny’s neck and pulled away. 

When they parted, they stayed in each other’s space. Sonny rubbed their noses together gently, smiling as Rafael’s eyelashes tickled his cheeks. 

“Are you okay?,” he asked tentatively. 

Rafael let out a hard, shaky breath. “Stevens made bail.”

Sonny winced. He knew it was a domestic abuse case, and that could only mean one thing. “I’m sorry, Raf.”

“I tried talking to her, Olivia even got a spot for her at a shelter, but she refused. She said she had to be home to welcome her husband,” Rafael shook his head, disappointed.

“You did your best,” he said, leaning in to peck Rafael’s lips gently. “You tried, but she didn’t want your help. You can’t force her to leave.”

Rafael nodded, then swallowed hard. “Yeah,” he sighed, still seemingly heartbroken. “I love you,” he said, looking Sonny right in the eye, and he couldn’t help but smile. He was still smiling when Rafael leaned in to kiss him, a kiss that started soft and turned hot in a minute.

He felt Rafael’s hand go into his hair, gripping tightly as their tongues licked at each other possessively. Sonny couldn’t help but groan at the sensation, caressing Rafael’s back, melting into him in complete devotion.

Sonny’s breathing was a little laboured when they parted, and he enjoyed the dazed look on Rafael’s face as they kept sharing small pecks, teasing licks, little nibbles. 

It served as a great distraction, and as a reward for not seeing each other all day. 

“I’m going to take a shower, and when I come back I don’t want to talk about work anymore,” Rafael said, and Sonny immediately nodded. “It’s just you, me, and two big bowls of pasta.”

“That’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever said,” Sonny muttered, pulling Rafael into another kiss. 

When Sonny finally did release him, Rafael turned to go into their bedroom, and he watched his ass unabashedly, Rafael’s hips swaying with the usual swag he had to his steps.

“Hey Counselor,” Sonny called, and Rafael turned to look a him with an eyebrow raised. “You’re looking real hot tonight,” he said sultrily, and made a show of letting his eyes roam up and down Rafael’s body. 

He really was  _ incredibly  _ hot, and Sonny was the happiest man alive.

Rafael shot him a downright filthy smirk.“Yeah? Pour me a drink and you might just get lucky, Detective.”

“Already am, Raf,” he said, winking at Rafael. The ADA chuckled.

* * *

Rafael was woken up by kisses being pressed on his chest, then his collarbone, then along his neck and jawline. Soft, warm kisses that made him hum despite wanting to sleep for about three more hours. He grunted, and immediately felt the lips pressed against his jaw stretch into a smile. 

“Good morning, baby,” Sonny whispered next to his mouth. “I brought you coffee.”

Rafael grunted again, still not opening his eyes. “Coffee.”

Sonny laughed openly, pressing a quick peck to Rafael's lips before taking his hand and carefully placing the coffee cup into it. “Good to know what your priorities are, Raf.”

Rafael sat up slightly so he could take a big, long sip of his coffee, then sighed happily, opening his eyes to look at his husband. Sonny was already dressed to leave for church, freshly-shaven, slick-haired, and sparkly-eyed. 

“Morning, love,” he said with a small smile. “Are you leaving already?”

“Yeah, Bella asked for a ride,” Sonny rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “What time are you meeting your mom?”

“11,” Rafael said, looking at his bedside table clock. He still had a little over an hour. “She wants to go to the market before lunch.”

“Oh,” Sonny tutted, then pouted, reaching for Rafael’s free hand. “You should have told me, I could have given you a ride.”

Rafael chuckled, lacing their fingers together and squeezing Sonny’s hand. “That’s okay. Bella needs it more than me, with the baby and all.” 

“You’re very sensible,” Sonny half-teased, then leaned in to kiss him softly. “There’s a couple pancakes on the counter for you, okay? Don’t go out with an empty stomach.” 

“It’s not empty,” he smirked, lifting his coffee cup to take a dramatic sip.

“Very funny,” Sonny huffed. “Let me know if you need me to pick you up later. Mass should be over by 1pm.” 

“Okay,” Rafael pulled Sonny closer by the hand, kissing him again, deeper this time. When they parted, he threw Sonny a flirty look. “Don’t forget to thank God for giving you such an amazing husband.”

Sonny pecked him on the lips again, smiling. “You joke, but I always do.” 

“I love you,” he said, smiling back.

“I love you, too,” with another hand-squeeze, Sonny stood up. “Don’t forget the pancakes.”

“Alright,” Rafael chuckled, then waved a hand at him to leave.

He settled back into bed for a couple more minutes, finishing up his coffee as he listened to Sonny going around the apartment, picking up his things before he left, then locking the door behind himself.

This was their Sunday routine: Sonny would go to mass while Rafael went to lunch with his mother. Once a month they’d converge, and the Carisi family would join the Barbas for a long meal that either ended in mindless family arguments or in tight hugs and kisses on cheeks. It was always very entertaining. 

However, today was only the second Sunday of the month, which meant Sonny and Rafael would find each other back at home. What happened in the afternoon up to the evening was up to them, depending on their mood, but Rafael’s favorite thing was cuddling on the couch or in bed, with a book, a movie, or background music as they talked.

Then, in the evening, the Barba-Carisis went into the kitchen to make dinner together. Be it a complicated, precise recipe that took an hour to make, or something whipped up in a few minutes from the week’s leftovers, they often ate it side by side in the kitchen island, Sonny with a beer and Rafael with a glass of Scotch - or both with a glass of wine. 

The late evening meant they’d have to get somewhat ready for work the next day. Iron-out suits, polish shoes, go over case files, reorganize briefcases, review schedules, whatever they needed for Monday morning. 

But the day always ended with the two in bed, enjoying a rare moment of peace, where they could explore each other slowly, eagerly, hands and lips running over naked skin, with soft pleas and moans, their names whispered like an oath against each other’s mouth. A moment of pure devotion, reconnection and love, wrapped in loving words and whispers of praises, until they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Their Friday and Saturday were always a little hit or miss, often shadowed by work, or either or both of them being overly-tired, but Sundays were Rafael’s favorite.

So with a happy sigh, he threw back the last sip of his coffee and stood up, going into the shower, his mind already drifting to the pancakes Sonny had left for him. He’d bet everything he owned that they were either heart-shaped, or regularly round with a smiley face drawn on with syrup.

That was just the type of person his husband was, and Rafael absolutely loved him for it.

* * *

Mass went a little late, and then Bella needed a ride back home with Emilia, so when Sonny got home, Rafael was already there. He was sitting on the couch, his iPad in hand, and seemed to be watching a video compilation of puppies running and tripping over themselves.

“Hey, baby,” he greeted with a little laugh as he watched a puppy golden retriever roll over a ball and fall on its face. 

“Hey! Look, I found a video of you and Dodds being stupid,” Rafael said with a cheeky grin. “Olivia sent it to me with the caption ‘this is what it’s like working with Carisi and Dodds’ and, honestly, I agree with her.”

“That’s unfair. Mike’s not a golden retriever,” Sonny huffed. “He’s a labrador.”

Rafael smiled up at him, amused. “I’m guessing this is something you and Dodds have already discussed, then.”

“Of course,” Sonny giggled, rounding the couch to sit next to his husband. “You know we talk about everything.”

Mike was his best friend, they had an unbreakable bond, and there were no secrets between them - he even knew a few  _ intimate  _ things about Rafael, too, because some things Sonny just couldn’t help but share. Or boast about.

Rafael hummed in agreement and leaned in to press a kiss to his lips. Even now, almost two years into their marriage, Sonny still got a bubbly feeling whenever Rafael kissed him - the same feeling he got when they kissed for the very first time.

“How was lunch with Lucia?,” Sonny asked, pulling Rafael into his chest. The ADA rearranged himself until he was half-laying on Sonny. 

“It was good. You know ever since we got married she’s stopped nagging me about my life choices,” he chuckled, and Sonny pressed a kiss to him hair. 

His relationship with his mother was a sensitive topic for Rafael, but Sonny always asked. Lucia wasn’t a bad mother whatsoever, but her criticisms and excessive worries did wear Rafael down often enough.

“I charmed her,” Sonny teased, trying to hold Rafael back from going into a black hole of negativity. “You know I’m the best son-in-law she could ever have.”

Rafael snorted. “Indeed. So she asked how we’re doing, she asked about work, then told me about her students. You know how invested she gets. The food was really good, though. Maybe we could go there some other day, the two of us.” 

“I’d love that,” he nodded.

“And how was church?”

“Same old,” Sonny smiled. “Father Patrick asked about you again. I think he expects you to go again every Sunday now.”

Rafael groaned in his arms, and Sonny couldn’t help but laugh and pull him closer. “Sonny, you know that was  _ once _ , because of Emilia’s baptism, and your mother insisted.”

“I know, baby,” he laughed again at his husband’s dramatics. “But he likes you, and he always asks how you’re doing and when you’re going again. Come on, you can’t tell me you didn’t have fun at mass.”

“Your preacher is fun, that is true, but you know I’m lapsed, love, it’s all blabber to me,” Rafael turned to look at him, seeming apologetic. “Would you want me to go with you every Sunday?”

Sonny smiled. “In a world where you were a good, Catholic, hot ADA, maybe. But not in this world where you’re not a good Catholic, but still a hot ADA. I understand, Raf. You don’t have to come, but just know you’re missed.” 

“And I miss you when I’m at lunch with my mother, but the Barbas and Carisis reunion once a month is more than enough for me not to miss you  _ too  _ much,” he joked, and Sonny agreed.

“Yeah, those get very loud,” he chuckled. “So, what are the plans for today? What do you feel like having for dinner?”

Rafael considered it for a moment, running the tip of his fingers around the collar of Sonny’s shirt. 

“We haven’t gone on a date in a while.” 

Sonny nodded. “You’re right. There’s that new Italian place I was telling you about.” 

“Do you feel like going out?,” Rafael asked genuinely. Sometimes the last thing they wanted was to have to go out  _ again _ , knowing they had an early call the next morning.

Sonny, however, would love to sit next to Rafael in a dimly lit restaurant, so he beamed big and bright. “Yeah, I’d love to dress up for my husband, put on that new shirt I bought, some expensive cologne. Hm, what do you say?”

“I say it’s a date,” he smiled back, and leaned in to kiss Sonny.

* * *

While the food promised to be delicious, the new Italian place was casual and simple, so Sonny pulled out the new blue denim shirt he’d bought, leaving the first two buttons undone. The fabric was light and airy, and the deep V he’d left open showed just a bit of his chest chair. He applied cologned all the way down, and hoped his husband would appreciate it.

Judging by the look on Rafael’s face when he stepped out of the bathroom, he did, very much so. Rafael’s always said that Sonny’s neck was at the perfect height for him to bite into, kiss, lick, snuggle, and, right now, Sonny was very thankful, because his husband immediately stepped up to him and nosed his jawline.

“Forget dinner,” Rafael said in a husky voice. “Let’s stay home.”

Sonny gave a breathy laugh despite the shudder that went down his body. “No, sir. I called ahead and made a reservation, we’re going out tonight, Mr. Barba-Carisi.”

“Are you telling me I’m going to have to sit through dinner while your whole neck is exposed like this?,” he whined, pressing a kiss to Sonny’s pulse-point. “That’s torture.”

“If you can behave through dinner, I promise I’ll let you leave as many marks as you want later,” he said, but his body betrayed him, and before he knew it, his hands were on his husband’s ass, pulling him closer.

Rafael hummed low in his throat, throwing his arms around Sonny’s neck and emerging from his neck to look at him. “Oh, you bet I will.”

Sonny dipped his head to claim Rafael’s lips with a needy whine. He knew this was counter-productive, and they really shouldn’t get this worked up right before they had to leave, but Sonny couldn’t help it, especially not when one of Rafael’s hand went down his neck to his chest and he started to run his fingers through the hair there.

Rafael groaned lightly, and Sonny licked deeper into his mouth, taking a firmer hold of his ass. Sonny was about to second Rafael’s word about dinner when the shrill ring of their doorbell made them jump apart, both panting. 

“You drive me crazy, Rafael,” Sonny breathed between them, and got a smirk as a response as his husband stepped away from him with a wicked twinkle to his eyes.

“I have to finish getting ready, could you get the door? It’s probably your neighbor girlfriend,” he teased, turning back to the mirror to fix his shirt. Sonny took a short moment to appreciate how tight it was around his biceps and chest.

Eventually, he chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully. “Stop calling her that, Raf, she might hear you one of these days.”

“I doubt it’d bother her,” he shrugged

“She’s young, and she knows I’m a cop and you’re a prosecutor, so she feels safe,” Sonny argued, stepping behind Rafael to check himself. His cheeks were pink and his lips were a little swollen. “I’d rather she come here than go to a random creepy dude.” 

He pressed a kiss to Rafael’s hair and smacked his ass lightly once before turning to go to the door as the bell rang once more. 

“I don’t think she cares about  _ me  _ at all, but if that’s what you need to tell yourself…,” Rafael mumbled, then turned to him with an annoyed huff. “At least button up your shirt, will you, or she’ll drool all over your chest.”

Sonny laughed, then buttoned his shirt all the way up. Anne was a young woman who’d moved next door about three months ago, and she’d hit on Sonny at every opportunity she got. Of course she knew he was married, he babbled about Rafael to anyone who'd listen, but she’d also met him in a handful of occasions. That did not seem to deter her, though. 

“Detective Carisi,” Anne greeted as soon as he opened the door. “You look great! Going out?”

“Yeah, Rafael and I are going on a date tonight,” he beamed. “How can I help you?”

Anne fluttered her eyelashes at him, and Sonny almost laughed. “I’m having a problem with my shower, and I was wondering if you could check it out? I just came back from a day in the park and I’m  _ dying  _ for a shower, you know.”

Sonny lifted an eyebrow at her. Anne’s had never been shy with her flirting, but the ‘shower problem’ move seemed a little extreme, especially when she new he was a married man. 

“Have you called the super? I’m sure he can come check it out,” he offered with a sympathetic smile.

Anne blushed. “No, I haven’t called him. I mean, it’s Sunday evening, I didn’t wanna bother him.” 

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, Jeff is a very easy-going guy. He’ll come in two minutes if you call him,” Sonny offered excitedly. “He’ll fix your shower super quick, don’t worry.”

“But, Detective --,” she tried, but Sonny interrupted with a shake of his head.

“I’m sorry, Anne, but I really gotta go. Rafael’s waiting and we really don’t wanna miss our reservation. Good luck with your shower. Goodnight!,” Sonny hurried out as he closed the door on Anne’s gaping mouth and sighed.

“‘My shower has a problem’,” Rafael said in a whiny voice behind him, and Sonny chuckled. “ _ Really _ ?”

“Oh, I can fix  _ your _ shower, alright, Mr. Barba-Carisi,” Sonny flirted, approaching Rafael with feline steps.

“Don’t start, we have to go or we’ll miss our reservation.” 

Sonny giggled, then pulled him by the waist. “Okay, but let’s take a picture!,” he immediately took his phone out of his pocket. Rafael had the habit of running away whenever he proposed a selfie. “Say cheese, baby!”

“I don’t know why I married you,” Rafael said instead, but smiled up at the camera as Sonny adjusted the angle.

“We look good!,” Sonny smiled down at their picture. He couldn’t help the flutter in his chest at how happy they looked. “Gotta put it up on Instagram real quick,” he opened up the Instagram app, selected the picture, and put on the filter Rafael chose. As for the caption, he went with _ ‘Dinner date with the love of my life. #MarriedBliss’ _ .

Rafael smiled, and Sonny turned his face to steal one more kiss. Somehow, they weren’t late for dinner. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When an angry perp makes a go for Sonny, he gets severely hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I did do research on concussions and temporary memory loss, but let's not pretend I'm even trying to be scientifically accurate with this. Let's all just suspend disbelief! 
> 
> The angst it's all to begin. Enjoy!

When their alarm went off on Monday morning, Rafael couldn’t even find it in himself to be angry. Last night had been amazing. The restaurant was nice, the food downright sinful, Sonny looked absolutely  _ gorgeous _ , and they had made love slowly, sweetly, and whispered dirty words into each others’ ears until they were spent.

So now, Rafael felt like he was laying in a cocoon of warmth with Sonny’s arm around him, all his muscles relaxed and his body still thrumming slightly from the high pleasure from last night.

Beside him, Sonny sighed, and he sounded as pleased as Rafael felt. He pulled Rafael tighter against his chest, then pressed a loving kiss to his shoulder. They’d have to get up in 5 minutes, tops, but, this, right here, right now, meant everything to Rafael. Feeling so loved and wanted, there was nothing who could put him in a bad mood. 

“Good morning, love,” Rafael whispered, his voice scratchy and deep. 

“Good morning, baby,” Sonny replied, kissing his shoulder again. “I had a dream we got married.”

Rafael chuckled. “I have good news for you, then. We  _ are  _ married.”

Sonny hummed. “That’s the best news.” 

“Was your dream wedding different from ours?,” Rafael asked around a yawn. 

“Yeah, it was just the two of us, no guests, no wedding party.”

“So, no mothers crying, no babies screaming, no loud Cubans and Italians?,” Rafael smiled, turning in Sonny’s embrace to look at him. He always looked so beautiful in the early morning. 

“Exactly,” Sonny smiled. “Just you and me.” 

“That’s all we need,” Rafael sighed happily, nudging their noses together.

Unfortunately, their little bubble was burst by Sonny’s phone pinging with a new text.

“And the week starts,” Sonny joked, pressing a kiss to the tip of Rafael’s nose before he rolled away and sat up to grab his phone.

“Emergency?,” he yawned again, sitting up to roll his neck and stretch his arms above his head.

“It’s Mike. He says we’re gonna have to check on a vic first thing.” 

“You want the shower first, then?,” Rafael offered, mentally trying to decide if he’d rather have a few extra minutes in bed or a big cup of hot coffee. 

“No, you go, baby,” Sonny smiled at him, standing up. “It’s still pretty early. I’ll get the coffee machine going.”

“I just remembered why I married you,” he teased, and Sonny laughed. 

Rafael went into the bathroom, smiling despite himself. Five years ago, he would never have imagined he’d find happiness in married life. Hell, he never even considered he’d find someone he’d want to marry. But now here they were, a perfectly oiled machine, a team, an unit that worked perfectly together.

He always took the longest in the shower, his sluggish, sleepy moves kept him from going fast. Plus, he liked to stay under the warm water for no reason whatsoever, just allowing it to cascade over him in a soothing massage. 

Sonny was the opposite. He was in and out like a lightning bolt. The only thing that held him back a little was the meticulous way he styled his hair. Normally, Sonny was already in his suit by the time Rafael finished his first cup of coffee. 

That morning, like clockwork, Sonny strutted into the living room all suited-up, gun and badge in hand, just as Rafael took the last sip of his first coffee of the day.

Rafael didn’t like guns in general, he really didn’t, but the way Sonny handled his, with unquestionable authority, with all regards for safe use and management, with confident and sure fingers, he couldn’t help but trace every movement - Sonny made it look  _ sexy _ . But then again, that was what Sonny did to everything. 

Sonny said, a couple times, that it was the same to him when Rafael threatened to sue someone. So while Rafael liked to watch Sonny maneuver his gun into his holster and snap his shiny badge onto his belt, Sonny got off on Rafael saying he’d like to take see someone to court or naming the charges he’d write into a suit.

How they ever managed to get any work done was beyond him.

“I really had fun last night,” Sonny said as he poured himself a glass of orange juice. “You know, you were right.”

“I often am,” Rafael interjected. 

Sonny chuckled, nodding. “Yeah. Maybe we should try meeting up for a date during the week. Maybe that’d help break the tension of our work.” 

Rafael raised an eyebrow at him. “You think we could ever manage that on our schedules?”

“We could try,” he shrugged. “Do you have anything for lunch today?”

“Feeling ambitious are we, love?,” Rafael smiled, but picked up his phone to check his schedule anyway. “Let me see... No, according to my calendar, I should have a full lunch hour.” 

Sonny beamed. “Perfect. We can go to Forlini’s!”

“Italian, again?” 

“Ah. Sorry. You know me,” he waved a hand with a sheepish look. “Cuban, then?”

Rafael shook his head. “Not when I’ve only got one hour. How about Chinese?”

“Sounds great!,” somehow, his smile grew even bigger. “I’ll see you at lunch.”

* * *

Sonny walked into SVU with a pep to his step and small smile on his face. He’d really had a fantastic weekend, and he’d just been looking at the picture he’d taken with Rafael last night as he rode the elevator. He contemplated setting it as his screensaver, but decided against it. He didn’t want the wrong person seeing it.

“Oh, I know that look,” Mike said in form of a greeting as soon as Sonny stepped into the bullpen. “That’s the ‘I got laid all weekend’ face.”

“Good morning, Sergeant Dodds,” Sonny teased as he approached his friend. “My husband sends his regards. How was your weekend?”

“Not as good as yours, Detective,” Mike teased back, rolling his eyes. “You guys went on a date last night? I saw your selfie.”

“Yeah, there’s this new Italian place near our apartment,” he said excitedly, then waved a hand when Mike gave him a knowing look. “We felt like going out, so…”

“Last time Alice and I tried going out after a week of work, we ended up fighting,” he sighed, disappointed. “I’m glad you had a good time, Sonny.”

“Thanks, man,” Sonny patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. “Raf and I are gonna try this thing where we meet for lunch during the week. You could do that with Alice. You won’t be as tired from work, and it’ll give you that boost, you know?”

Mike nodded, interested. “Yeah, that makes sense. I’ll try that. I’ll call her after we check on that vic, see if she feels like going for a bite.”

“Good!,” Sonny smiled, then looked over Olivia’s office. “Is the Lieu in?”

“Yeah, yeah, you good to go? I can brief you on the way.”

“Sure, let me just grab my notes,” he nodded, making his way to his desk then paused. “Hey Mike, do you feel more like a golden retriever or a labrador?”

“Man, we’ve talked about this,” Mike frowned. “Definitely a labrador.”

Sonny laughed. “My bad.”

* * *

Apparently, Mercy Hospital had contacted SVU about a patient with signs of domestic abuse. However, before the Detectives on call could even get there, her husband had come to pick her up. From the moment he arrived at the hospital, the woman completely shut down and insisted on going home with him, promising she was fine.

But, with the report from the doctor and her overall attitude towards her husband’s presence, Olivia had managed to find an excuse for SVU to check up on her: in her haste to leave, the woman had left her phone and jacket behind, which Sonny and Mike were supposed to return.

However, the Lieutenant’s instructions had been very clear; they were to go into the house and check on her personally. If possible, it’d be best if they could talk to her alone to see if they could get anything out of her. 

So Mike and Sonny came up with a plan on their way there. They had a fake document they’d ask the woman to sign for the returned items, under the guise of  _ department policy _ . That was a guarantee that they’d see her. As for talking to her alone, that’d be a strike of luck.

“Alright, here we go,” Mike said under his breath as he raised his fist to knock on the door. “You got the form?”

Sonny nodded, pulling it out of his pocket. “Right here.”

They weren’t surprised when the husband opened the door, looking like everybody’s friendly neighbor. “Hi. How can I help you?”

“Hello there. I’m Sergeant Dodds, this is Detective Carisi. We’re here to return personal items your wife left at the hospital last night,” Mike said, his tone even and authoritative.

“Ah. Thank you, I can take those,” the man said, reaching for the bag in Mike’s hand.

“Actually,” Sonny interrupted, waving the fake form. “We can only return those to her personally, and she has to sign this. Sorry, it’s department policy, you know.”

“Can I see your badges again?,” he asked with narrowed eyes, and Sonny and Mike exchanged a brief look before raising their shields. “Okay. Come on in, I’ll get Laila.”

They followed the man into the house, and were asked to wait in the living room. Sonny watched, attentive, as he went up the stairs with his hands balled up into fists.

“Carisi,” Mike hissed, pointing at a small dog bed tucked in the corner of the room. “They have a dog. I’m gonna pretend I’m allergic and ask to be taken into the kitchen for some water, you stay with Laila, try to talk to her.”

“Copy that,” Sonny said under his breath, and his heart immediately started thumping in his chest. 

Laila came down looking exhausted, and made a beeline for the couch. She seemed a little uneasy as she glanced between Sonny and Mike, and Sonny wondered what her husband could have said to make her nervous.

“Thank you for returning my things, officers,” she started. “It was stupid of me to leave them at the hospital. I was just really tired.”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Parker, don’t worry about it,” Sonny reassured her with a small smile as he handed her the form. “Just sign here and we’ll be out of your way.” 

Laila read over the document quickly, then nodded and took the pen Sonny offered. Just then, Mike started coughing, sneezing and wheezing. Sonny held back a wince, because from where he was sitting, it looked really fake.

Still, he went along with it. “Sergeant, are you okay?”

“I’m a little choked up,” he said with a deep voice, then turned to Laila’s husband. “Do you have a dog, by any chance?”

The husband, who’d been watching them from the corner of the room with his arms crossed and a deep frown, raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, a pomeranian.”

“Oh,” Mike coughed a couple more times. “I’m really allergic. Could I please get some water?”

To both their surprise, he left the room with no complaints, leaving Mike and Sonny with Laila. Unsure of how much time they had, Sonny took the pen from Laila’s hand to make her look at him.

“Mrs. Parker, we’re read your report. See, we have experience in cases like this, and we know you didn’t simply fall from your bed, like you told the nurses. You can trust us,” he told her with a kind smile.

“If there’s anything you’d like to tell us, we’re all ears,” Mike continued. “If it really was an accident, we’ll return your things and leave, but if this was, in any way, caused by your husband, please tell us the truth.”

Laila looked between the two of them with panicked eyes, and she immediately shook her head. “No, I was telling the truth. It was an accident, Mark would never hurt me.”

“Laila,” Sonny started softly. “I’m very clumsy, I hurt myself all the time, in the dumbest ways. And I know that,” he pointed at the marks around her neck. “Isn’t the result from any clumsy accident.” 

“We can protect you, Laila, just please, tell us the truth,” Mike pleaded, and Laila swallowed hard.

Sonny saw the glint of hope in her eyes as she looked at him. He smiled tentatively, sure that she was about to say what they wanted to hear. But then, Sonny heard a click of metal that he recognized all too well. 

His whole body went cold when he looked up to see Laila’s husband pointing a gun at the back of Mike’s head.

“Mark!,” Laila shrieked. “What are you doing?”

“Shut up, Laila!,” he yelled. “This is  _ your fault _ . I told you not to go to the hospital last night.”

“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I was in too much pain, I couldn’t move properly, I thought I’d broken a rib. I told them it was an accident.”

“Yeah right, they clearly believed that,” Mark said furiously, brandishing the gun between Sonny and Mike.

“Mr. Parker,” Sonny started tentatively, standing from his seat beside Laila with his hands raised. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. This is a misunderstanding. Put your gun down, let your wife sign the form, and we’ll go.”

“You think I’m stupid?,” he scoffed. “A  _ Sergeant  _ and a Detective coming to return her things? Please. I know those nurses called you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mike rushed out. “We only heard about a lost phone and jacket. Put your gun down, we can talk about this.” 

“Cut it out!,” Mark yelled. “I  _ know  _ you’re here to investigate me. You think I did that to Laila.”

“Did you, Mark?,” Sonny asked, taking one step towards him.

“I didn’t mean it,” he mumbled. 

“Then tell me what happened. We can figure something out.”

“I don’t believe you,” Mark huffed.

“Mark, I’m a Detective, he’s a Sergeant. We can solve this between the three of us,” Sonny insisted, taking a couple more steps towards the husband. “Come on, let’s not make any mistakes, alright? Put the gun down, we can all sit and talk this through.”

Sonny felt triumph when he saw Mark’s arm start to lower slightly. However, three things happened all at once after that. The Parker’s dog came running into the house, barking in an annoyingly shrill tone. Mark jumped, and tried to pull the gun back up, but Mike had already grabbed his arm and pulled it away from his grasp.

Then, due to their proximity, Mark tried to grab Sonny’s holster with an animalistic growl. Laila was screaming, and Mike was yelling for Mark to put his hands up, but he was already going for Sonny. He hit him in the stomach with a punch, his other hand going for Sonny’s gun as he pushed him, then they were both falling. 

There was an explosive pain on the back of Sonny’s head, and everything went blank.

* * *

Rafael ran into the emergency room, out of breath, his hands shaking, sweat making his shirt stick to his back. He looked around, panicked, trying to find a familiar face. Dodds was the first to see him, and the sight of his bloody shirt made Rafael freeze. 

It was Sonny’s. It was Sonny’s blood on Dodds’ shirt. 

He reached for the wall closer to him, looking for some sort of support. Then Dodds was there, holding him up with a pained expression. Rafael felt bile coming up in the back of his throat at the sight up close, and soon Olivia was coming up to him too, pulling Dodds away and telling him to go change. 

Rafael’s vision swam, and he held on to Olivia’s forearms for dear life. She helped him as he slid down the wall, sitting on the floor with short breaths. He knew Olivia was saying something, but he couldn’t hear anything past his struggling breath. His lungs refused to fill, and soon he started hyperventilating. 

Suddenly Rollins was there, too, crouching beside him with a plastic cup in hand. She offered it to him with slightly shaky hands, and he took it with nimble fingers, swallowing in two big gulps. Rollins said something, but he couldn’t hear her either due to the loud ringing in his ears.

Rafael let his head fall back onto the wall and stared at the ceiling, panting slightly. 

Sonny was hurt. Sonny was  _ really  _ hurt. He’d hit his head, and he hadn’t woken up yet. 

“Rafael,” Olivia’s voice finally penetrated the fog in his mind. 

“Where’s Sonny?,” he asked, his voice hoarse, his throat feeling dry. Thankfully, Rollins materialized with another glass of water.

“They took him to get an MRI scan,” Olivia said in a soft voice. “He should be out soon, okay?”

“How about we try getting you off the floor?,” Rollins offered with a sympathetic look.

With Olivia and Amanda’s help, Rafael got up and went to seat in a chair instead. Dodds returned a moment later, looking deadly guilty, but thankfully with a new shirt. He tried to approach Rafael again, but Olivia suggested he give him some time. 

Rafael wanted to know what had happened, but he also wanted this to be a bad dream and nothing else. He wanted to wake up in Sonny’s arms, the way he did this morning. 

“Mr. Barba-Carisi?,” the Doctor called, looking around the room with professional neutrality. Rafael hated it. 

Rafael tried to stand up, but his legs failed him, so Olivia asked him to approach instead.

“Your husband’s MRI scan showed a minor head trauma,” he started, and Rafael’s breathing started failing again. “We have to wait until he wakes up to get the full scope of the overall damage, but it’s nothing too worrying from the looks of it. We might have to keep him overnight if there are any complications, but mostly we’ll need to observe him closely and assess him as soon as he wakes up.”

He had so many questions, but he couldn’t find it in himself to ask them just yet. So instead he nodded slowly, and said the only think he could work out, “Can I see him?”

* * *

For four hours Rafael barely moved. He just sat there by Sonny’s bedside as people come and went. The SVU squad - Dodds tried to explain what had happened but he did not hear a word he said -, the Carisis - and all their prayers and crying went right over Rafael’s head -, and eventually even Lucia had showed up. She had cried quietly, then bent down to press a kiss to Rafael’s forehead.

He was alone with Sonny now, and for the first time in the midst of the whirlwind of things going on around him, Rafael felt his eyes fill with tears. He hardly ever cried; ever since he was little, breaking him was tough work. But now, sitting there, so alone, and scared, and faced with the reality of just how fleeting life is, of how close he came to losing his husband, Rafael let the tears come.

Losing Sonny was a terrifying prospect. In the back of his mind, Rafael knew that every time he went off to work, there was a slight chance he might not come back. He never allowed himself to dwell much in that, however. Because in the four years they’d been together, Sonny always came back.

Maybe he’d taken it for granted, Rafael thought. Maybe he should have been more grateful for what he and Sonny shared. He should have been more thankful for the love this man felt for him. 

Rafael sniffed, then shook his head, reaching for Sonny’s hand. He knew how lucky he was, though. He appreciated Sonny and their marriage. He  _ loved  _ him so much he felt like he was going to combust with it every day.

But what would become of Rafael if he lost Sonny? 

He shook his head again, trying to clear his mind. He didn’t want to think about this when Sonny was here, alive. There was a white bandage on the back of his head that went down to his neck, but he was here, and he was going to be fine. Sonny just needed to wake up so they could assess if there was any damage, but Rafael was sure there wasn’t.

There couldn’t be.

When Sonny finally did stir, Rafael felt like crying again. He called his name, a soft breath that almost sounded like a prayer, and Sonny’s eyes twitched under his closed eyelids. Rafael squeezed his hand lightly.

“Sonny?,” he called again. “Wake up, love. Come on, open your eyes for me.”

Sonny shifted slightly, and he groaned under his breath. Rafael’s heart constricted in his chest. Then his eyes blinked open, and Rafael couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped him. 

“Hey there, nice of you to join me,” he joked, squeezing Sonny’s hand again. “We’ve been worried about you. How are you feeling?”

With another little grunt, Sonny turned his head slightly towards Rafael, wincing. He smiled encouragingly at Sonny, waiting for him to settle again.

When Sonny spoke, the three words that left his mouth shattered Rafael’s world in a way he never thought possible.

“Who are you?”

* * *

Amnesia. 

Sonny was suffering from temporary memory loss, the doctor had said. Between the rush of nurses, the doctor and Sonny’s family, Rafael sat outside the room, staring at the floor with unfocused eyes. 

Sonny’s question kept echoing in Rafael’s head, along with the confused expression on his face. He had looked so vulnerable, and Rafael’s heart felt like it was being punched right out of his chest.

His husband didn’t remember him. He had looked at Rafael and seen a complete stranger. He’d felt nothing but confusion, then eventually alarm when Rafael started to panic. Because the love of his life, the man he’d shared the last four years of his life with, did not know who he was. 

The Carisis had tried to offer some solace, but everyone felt like they’d been thrown out of the loop. Sonny had been agitated when the doctor explained the situation to him, and Rafael had had to leave the room. He just couldn’t handle the desperation in Sonny’s eyes, and he couldn’t breathe with the sense of loss that had fallen upon him.

Because Sonny wasn’t dead. But he wasn’t  _ there _ either.

“Rafael,” Tessa, Sonny’s mother, called softly. Rafael hadn’t seen her coming out of the room. “I’ve explained as much as I could to him. He’s very confused and overwhelmed, but he asked you to come in for a moment.”

“He might have some questions for you, Mr. Barba-Carisi,” the doctor said, and Rafael hadn’t noticed he was there, either. He just kept his eyes trained on the floor. “But he’s not in the best condition right now, so don’t try to make him remember anything.”

“How long until he’s better?,” Rafael asked, his voice sounding weak to his own ears.

“Symptoms of traumatic brain injury can last up to four weeks,” he explained tentatively. “If it goes beyond that, we might want to consider his case more… permanent than most.”

_ Permanent. _ Sonny could never remember who he was. He could stay like this forever.

“I’m so sorry, Rafael,” Tessa whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll be fine sooner than we expect, though. You know our Sonny. He’s a fighter and always eager, always pulling through.”

Rafael nooded, took a deep breath, then stood up. He looked at the door blankly for a moment, then reached for the handle.

Sonny was sitting up against the bed, his hair soft and falling on his forehead like a fringe. He looked incredibly young, but still as bright as he always did. 

It killed Rafael a little, then, when Sonny looked up at him and frowned, his lips turned down at the corners as he watched, looking awfully suspicious, as the ADA closed the door behind him and walked to the middle of the room. 

He would have come closer, if this was any other day, if Sonny knew who he was.

If Sonny weren’t looking at him like he didn’t want Rafael to be there.

“Hey,” Rafael greeted, his voice hoarse. “How are you feeling?”

Sonny shrugged. “I’m fine,” he shifted uncomfortably, pulling the bed sheets up to his stomach. “My mother told me we’re married.”

Rafael simply nodded, afraid his voice might break if he tried to say anything. 

“For how long?,” Sonny asked, sounding displeased.

Rafael cleared his throat, then swallowed hard. “Our second anniversary is in three months. We’ve been together for four years, and we met five years ago, when you joined SVU.”

Sonny’s shoulders sagged, and he looked devastated for a moment. “I don’t remember any of that,” he said, his voice small. “The last thing I remember is making Detective.”

Rafael wanted to sob out loud. That was over eight years ago, almost nine. That was  _ so many _ years, suddenly gone from Sonny’s mind. All of their history, their entire relationship, so many of Sonny’s accomplishments, disappeared. 

Sonny was quiet for a moment, twisting the sheet between his fingers, his eyes always avoiding looking right at Rafael. “I think I’d like to spend the night in my parents’ house.”

Rafael blinked rapidly. “In Staten Island?”

“Yeah,” he sniffed, turning his face away. “If you don’t mind.”

Of course he minded. But what was he supposed to say? No, you’re coming home with me, a complete stranger? He couldn’t do that. So he nodded silently.

Sonny looked at him for the shortest second, quickly averting his gaze to the wall behind Rafael. “They told me your name’s Rafael.”

“Rafael Barba,” he cringed. “Barba-Carisi.”

Both Sonny’s eyebrows went up, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. “You took my name?”

He nodded again, feeling inappropriate. “And you took mine.” 

Sonny looked shocked at that, then frowned. He looked down at his hands, his jaw working tightly. “I don’t even remember coming out,” he mumbled.

Rafael winced. When they met, Sonny hadn’t come out yet. It was a long, arduous process of letting go of Catholic guilt, fear and internalized homophobia. It had been a struggle for Sonny, not understanding his attraction to Rafael, even though he’d felt interested in men before.

And to think Sonny’s mentality was back to that, after everything he’d gone through to get out of it, physically pained Rafael. 

“Your family is very supportive of you,” he swallowed thickly. “Of us.” 

Sonny’s frown deepened, but he nodded. “Yeah, ma seems to like you a lot. And Bella started crying when I said I don’t remember being married,” he sighed, shaking his head. “This is weird.”

Rafael folded his arms around himself, almost like a hug. “I’m sorry,” he breathed. “The doctor said I shouldn’t overwhelm you, but that you might have questions, so…”

“I have about a hundred of them,” he scoffed. “I’m just not sure I wanna know the answers yet.” 

“I understand. You can call me, if you want to,” Rafael took a step back, towards the door. “My number -- It’s under ‘baby’.”

Sonny twisted uncomfortably again, and this time pulled his sheet up to his chest. Much like Rafael, he seemed to be curling into himself. 

“Or just ask your parents, if it’s nothing too specific,” he offered, trying to smile. “I’ll go now. Take care. Don’t forget to take whatever pills they prescribe you -- but not on an empty stomach, it’ll make you sleepy.” 

Sonny nodded, still not looking at Rafael. 

“Bye,” Rafael whispered, and the ‘I love you’ was right on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed it back, then left the room, his heart breaking all over again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonny was never homophobic, but he did struggle with coming to terms with his sexuality, and we're gonna see how this affects him and his relationship with Rafael in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> On Monday we'll get chapter 3, where Rafael day-drinks, Olivia comes to the rescue, and Mike comes to apologize. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave a little kudo and some comments, please! I'd love to know what you expect from upcoming chapters. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny won't come home, so Rafael drinks.

Sonny’s mother had called to say they arrived in Staten Island, and that Sonny was very upset about the whole situation. She promised she’d talk to him about Rafael, show him pictures. Rafael asked her to be patient with him, not push him into anything.

Rafael couldn’t even begin to understand what it would be like to wake up one day, a stranger beside him, saying they were married. Rafael wouldn’t believe them. He’d refuse to hear anything about it. 

He knew that wasn’t the type of person Sonny was, but still didn’t want to risk Sonny not wanting to hear from him, about him, not wanting to come back to Manhattan, refusing to see him again. No, Rafael would give him all the time he needed.

Even if it was killing him.

In the early days of their engagement, in his worst moments, Rafael did think about how things would go if Sonny decided that he wanted a divorce. He thought about what reasons could potentially drive him to it, he thought about the possibility of the two of them hating each other, of them no longer being able to work together. He had tried to imagine a life without Sonny, and the idea hurt him like nothing else. 

But never,  _ ever _ , even in his most negative, pessimistic days, did he ever imagine something this cruel. Sonny, without a single regard for their relationship or Rafael, wanting to split up simply because he didn’t remember anything.

It wouldn’t be because of a fight, or because Rafael pushed him away in a bolt of self-sabotage. It’d be simply because Rafael was a stranger to him, and he’d be left as the one heartbroken, with memories of their love and their happy days to haunt him forever.

So there he was, sitting alone at a bar, a glass of scotch in front of him - his fourth one. It’d been a while since he’d done this. The last four years he’d had Sonny to sit with him, to convince him to go get some dinner instead, or just to drive him home. 

He threw back what was left of his drink, then flagged the bartender for another.

Rafael could feel his tongue growing in his mouth, feeling heavier. That was the first sign of his impending drunkness. He shook his head at himself - apparently he couldn’t hold his liquor as well anymore. 

It was still early. He’d left the hospital at 2pm and went straight to the bar. He couldn’t go home, where Sonny wouldn’t be. Where their pictures and mementos would make Rafael want to cry again. So he planned on staying there until he got drunk enough to forget the way home.

“Rafael,” ah, there it was. The flaw in Rafael’s plan. Olivia Benson would never allow him to get drunk off his face in a random bar somewhere.

“How did you find me?,” he asked with a smirk, and he wasn’t sure how slurred his words were, but he guessed  _ a lot _ given the worried frown he got from his friend.

“I’m a Lieutenant with the NYPD, Barba,” Olivia rolled her eyes, then sighed. “Listen, I’m really sorry about Sonny. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this must be.”

“Sit,” Rafael said, patting the empty space beside him. “Have a drink with me.”

“I don’t think that’s --”

“Olivia,” he interrupted curtly. “I lost my husband. Sit and have a drink with me, or leave.”

Looking solemn, Olivia asked for a glass of wine and took a seat, keeping her body turned towards Rafael. 

“You didn’t lose him,” she offered quietly.

“I know he isn’t dead, I’m  _ happy _ he’s okay,” Rafael sighed, his shoulders sagging. “But I feel like I’m grieving, because, in a way, I did lose him. I  _ lost _ my husband.”

Olivia shook her head. “He’s still in there somewhere, Rafael, and if he fell in love with you once, he’ll definitely fall for you again.”

Rafael let out a dry, humourless chuckle. “We’ve always known he’s too good for me. I thought I was  _ so lucky _ , you know. Somehow, he fell in love with  _ me _ . Now he’s going to move on, no memory of who I am, while I’ll spend the rest of my days thinking about what we had. Serves me right.” 

He thought about their morning just earlier that day, Sonny so excited about the idea of them having lunch together. 

And their last kiss. 

Rafael grimaced into his tumbler. If he had known it was going to be their last, he would have kept Sonny in his arms, he would have pulled him into bed again, forbidden him to leave until the day was over, and Sonny was safe.

“We all know that’s not true,” Olivia protested. “Rafael, you’ve given your life to your job, to doing what’s right, and getting justice. Don’t you think you deserve some kind of reward for everything you’ve done?” 

“Clearly, I don’t,” he frowned. “I just got a taste of what I  _ could  _ have if I had cultivated normal, long-lasting, worthy relationships instead of selling my soul to the devil that is the justice system. It’s like someone decided to taunt me. Here’s the perfect guy who’ll make you feel loved and wanted, but only for four years. We’ll take him away then.”

“You have no idea, do you?,” she hissed. “You have no idea of what you’ve done for him. You’ve made him feel that same way, Rafael. Have you forgotten that before he came to Manhattan he kept being thrown from precinct to precinct?” 

Rafael shook his head, his eyes going blurry with the motion. “ _ You  _ decided to keep him, not me.”

“But you gave him a chance, too. He learned from watching you, from listening to you, and hell, even from the way you shut his ideas down,” Olivia said, then her eyes softened. “You helped him, too. And when you started dating, he felt loved and wanted, just like you said. I know he might not remember everything, Rafael, but the person he is in his mind right now, is also not the best version of him, because  _ you  _ brought that out of him.” 

Rafael thought back to the fact that Sonny didn’t remember coming out, and nodded. Even if they had never gotten together, that was one big part of Sonny’s life that Rafael had affected regardless of the type of relationship they had. 

Sonny had been so scared of what his parents were going to say, he was sure his church would shun him. They had talked all night then, up until the sun started streaming through the window of Sonny’s apartment and, two weeks later, he officially came out as bisexual to his parents and the squad.

Rafael had never been more proud.

“And don’t forget that you helped him pass the bar,” Olivia said with a brilliant smile. “You’ve changed his life, Rafael. But he’s lost that, too.”

Rafael sighed, gulping down half his drink. “I get your point, Liv. I’m just not sure it makes me feel better.”

Olivia nodded, and they drank in silence for a few minutes. Rafael couldn’t imagine that this was easy on Olivia, either. She was Sonny’s commanding officer, she’d assigned him to the case that got him hurt. He was sure she felt guilty. And misery loved company.

Once she was done with her wine, Olivia pushed her glass away, and took Rafael’s from his hand. “Come on, I can drive you home.”

He shook his head. “That’s the last place I want to be right now.”

“You can stay with me, then,” she offered with a kind smile. So that night, Rafael slept looking up at the Toy Story wallpaper in Noah’s room. 

* * *

Three days later, Sonny was still in Staten Island.

It ached something deep within Rafael that his husband wasn’t home.

Tessa called him every day to give him updates. Apparently, Sonny was still irritable and getting dizzy spells, but it was nothing out of the expected, according to the doctor. He’d been shocked to learn Bella had had a baby, but quickly became smitten with the little girl. Rafael smiled at that - Sonny always did dote on Emilia.

He’d talked to everyone about his sexuality, about coming out, and, in a way, Rafael guessed it might feel like he was coming out all over again. “He still seems very insecure and unsure about it, Rafael,” Tessa had said the previous night. “We even showed him the pictures of all of us at the Pride parade last year, but he didn’t take it very well. He said he feels like his life has been stolen from him.”

Rafael swallowed hard, blinking back into the reality of his empty apartment. He could help him, if Sonny ever decided to come home. But the topic of his sexuality seemed to be a sensitive one, too, according to Tessa. 

As much as it hurt, Rafael tried to understand. He wouldn’t want to go live with a stranger either - especially not in such a vulnerable time. 

Not having Sonny around had taken Rafael back to his bad habits as a single man - not sleeping enough hours, not eating properly, drinking more than he should, and working odd hours. He wasn’t taking any new cases as of late, but the ones he had on his plate kept him occupied enough.

He looked at his half-empty container of Thai food and sighed, grabbing his Scotch to wash down the suddenly bitter taste on his tongue. He should probably go into his office tomorrow, even if just for a couple hours. It’d bring some sense of normality back into his life.

But then he thought about the fact that Sonny wouldn’t come barging in to complain about a case, or to bring him case files with a side of whatever snack he found on the way, or to simply kiss him breathless then go on his merry way back to work. Suddenly, going into the DA’s office didn’t seem like that much of a good idea.

The doorbell rang loudly, then, pulling Rafael away from his pity-party. He looked at his watch with a confused frown. The only people who’d been around were Olivia and his mother, and neither would be knocking at almost 9pm on a Thursday. 

He opened the door to find Sergeant Dodds, looking as tired as Rafael felt.

Rafael hadn’t talked to him ever since the accident, and now he felt guilty. This definitely wasn’t easy on Dodds either. Him and Sonny were really close friends, and Sonny often referred to the other man as the brother he never had, but now he’d forgotten Mike, too. In a way, Rafael guessed the Sergeant was mourning as well.

Without a word, Rafael gestured for Dodds to come in. 

“I came to apologize,” Dodds said, taking a seat on the couch. He looked guilty, too. “I should have gone into the kitchen with the guy.”

“He would have pulled a gun on you either way,” Rafael sighed, sitting next to him and offering him a drink wordlessly. Dodds shook his head.

“But then it’d be just the two of us. Sonny would be in the other room, and I could have talked the guy down on my own.”

“Dodds, thinking about what could have been won’t do either of us any good. There’s nothing to do but wait now,” he said, looking away from the broken look Dodds was giving him.

“I’m really sorry, Rafael,” he whispered. 

“Me too, but this isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you, Mike. I really don’t.” 

“You’re a better man than me, then,” Dodds laughed self-deprecatingly. “I was thinking I could bring our scrap book. The one Sonny and I made for his bachelor party. I thought maybe… I don’t know, he might like it.”

“I think that’d be good. If he ever comes home,” Rafael said, then immediately threw his drink back.

“He will,” he said, and Rafael wished he felt as confident as Dodds sounded. “We always had our _ guy talk _ , you know.”

Rafael chuckled. “I don’t know what that means, but sounds sexist.”

“Yeah, Sonny didn’t like to call it that either, he preferred  _ bro gossip _ ,” Dodds laughed, and Rafael snorted, shaking his head fondly. God, but he missed Sonny . “But basically we’d talk about sports, our coworkers, our jobs, our dicks,” he stopped to giggle when Rafael threw him a displeased look. “Yeah, we compared dicks, and what about it?”

“Sergeant, could you get to the point?,” he urged, rolling his eyes.

“Right,” Dodds giggled again, and Rafael couldn’t believe he was a police Sergeant. “So, we naturally talked about sex, too. You know, our experiences, preferences, kinks, types, all that stuff.”

Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, cringing. “Please don’t say you talked about me.”

“I mean, well, yeah, of course. But I’m not here to praise your sexual prowess, Counselor, although Sonny’s got nothing but great things to say,” he said with a wink and Rafael groaned. “I just meant that we talked about our relationships, and our love lives, and the way he talked about you, Rafael... Sonny was truly, utterly, completely in love with you. He just  _ lit up _ talking about you and your marriage. That just doesn’t go away, trauma to the head be damned.”

“You sound like Olivia now,” Rafael gave him a half-smile. The idea that his Sonny was still in there somewhere wasn’t that much of a comfort when the man himself couldn’t even look at him in the eye.

“Well, the Lieutenant is a very smart woman,” Dodds shrugged, then looked to the mess in Rafael’s coffee table with a contemplative expression. “Sonny is the best man I’ve ever met,” he started quietly. “You probably know better than me, you married the guy, right?! But I don’t know how he does it. He’s unstoppable! He’s the one who finds most of our breaks, even when he’s not the lead in the case, because he just never tires. And he makes sure we’re all taking care of ourselves, eating at proper times,  _ proper food _ , and he always offers to cover for us if we need to leave earlier.”

“Then he comes home and takes care of me,” Rafael nodded, feeling the weight of loss fall on his shoulders again. “He cares, Dodds. He cares  _ so much _ , and he’s so kind and gentle. He’s just so goddamn  _ likable _ it’s infuriating as much as it is endearing.”

“I miss him,” Dodds said after a short pause, his voice small and quiet.

Rafael looked down at the ring around his finger, and his eyes filled with tears again. “Me, too.”

* * *

It was on Friday that Rafael got the call he’d been expecting. Tessa finally brought the news he wanted to hear. Sonny was coming home tomorrow. 

Somehow, she’d convinced him to spend Saturday with Rafael. She had promised Sonny that, if it got too much for him, he’d go home for Mass on Sunday and stay in Staten Island for however long he wanted. So Rafael immediately jumped into action.

He cleaned the entire apartment, went grocery shopping and got all of Sonny’s favorites, stocked the fridge with Sonny’s favorite beer, put all of Sonny’s nonsensical videogames on display on the coffee table, tied up the bedroom and the bathroom, then threw everything that had been left in the clothes hamper into the washing machine.

On Saturday morning, Rafael shaved, went through his regular morning routine and applied his moisturizers, praying it’d make him look a little more alive. He styled his hair and dressed comfortably, but still prim and proper. 

The last thing Rafael did before the doorbell rang was change the bed sheets in the guest room. He doubted Sonny would want to sleep in the same bed as him, so he made sure the room was ready for either of them - he’d let Sonny choose where he wanted to sleep.

He immediately felt nervous when the doorbell rang. That was a new emotion when it came to Sonny, for sure. Rafael had never been nervous around him, not even during their first date. But this wasn’t the Sonny he knew, or even the Sonny he met when he came into SVU. This was a stranger, and Rafael felt like he needed to do his best to impress him.

Rafael expected Tessa to be the one to bring Sonny, so he was surprised to find Bella, Sonny one step behind her. She smiled warmly, and pulled Rafael into a brief hug that spoke of the sorrow they were both feeling. 

“Hey, how are you holding up?,” Bella asked softly, and Sonny shifted uncomfortably.

Rafael shrugged, then waved them both in.

“So, how are things? Any complications?,” he asked, unsure whether to refer to Bella or Sonny, but the man seemed to have a bit of trouble meeting his eyes, so Rafael kept his attention on Bella.

“Not really. Just a bit of dizziness here and there, right, big brother?,” Bella smiled at Sonny, who nodded. “His wound is healing nicely, he just needs to change the bandages once a day.”

Rafael nodded, wondering if Sonny was capable of changing his bandage by himself. Considering that it was on the back of his head, probably not. “Any medications?”

“Just painkillers, if he feels any discomfort. The doctor’s been very clear about not using any sleeping pills. Trouble sleeping is normal, but it shouldn’t be induced, given the type of injury.”

“I am right here, you know,” Sonny grumbled. He was still standing right behind Bella, as if she was some sort of shield between him and Rafael.

“Then speak up for yourself, you whiny slug,” Bella teased, patting him on the back and pushing him closer to the center of the room. 

Finally, Sonny looked at Rafael. “I feel fine,” he said curtly. “Just… a headache sometimes. Sleep’s fine.”

“No nightmares?,” Rafael asked gently. He knew Sonny got nightmares about cases sometimes, so it was a natural assumption.

Sonny swallowed, looking uncomfortable. “A couple,” he mumbled.

“Sonny, you never told me about that,” Bella chastised. 

“It’s no big deal, Bella,” he rolled his eyes, waving her off. “I said I’m fine.” 

“Yeah, I don’t believe you,” she hissed at him, then turned to Rafael with a sigh. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure, we can go into the office,” Rafael gestured towards the corridor to the side. “Sonny, take a seat, make yourself comfortable. There are drinks in the fridge if you’d like.”

“Thanks,” Sonny said, looking around with a small frown as Rafael followed Bella down the hall.

He thought seeing Sonny again would do him some good, but looking at him seeming so detached from their own home tugged uncomfortably at Rafael’s heart.

“How is he, really?,” Rafael asked when he closed the door to their home office behind himself.

“Physically, he’s fine. But he’s still confused, generally overwhelmed, and irritable. At least I  _ think  _ he’s irritable. Theresa says that’s just how he was 9 years ago, always angry at the world, always moping around.”

Rafael ran a hand across his face, frustrated. “How angry is he about being here?”

“I don’t think he’s angry, he’s just very uncomfortable about the whole idea of being married to a guy. In his head, I don’t think he’s come to terms with his bisexuality quite yet,” Bella said with sad eyes. “But ma argued that you helped him before, you could help him now, so he agreed to give it a try.”

“At least for today, right?,” he scoffed. “Because tomorrow he’s going back to Staten Island.”

Bella gave him a sympathetic look. “For Mass, Rafael. We’ll ask Father Patrick to talk to him, too, and I’m sure all of us together can convince him to come back here after. We even suggested he might want to go into his precinct, or the courthouse, and he seemed interested in that.”

Rafael nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll talk to Liv about that,” he couldn’t help but feel a glint of hope. If Sonny was  _ interested _ Rafael could work with that. “Thanks, Bella. And I’m sorry this happened.”

“Me, too,” she sniffed, then opened her arms to him. “Come here.”

He let Bella pull him in, hug him tightly. She was at the same height as him,  _ damned Carisis and their noodle genes _ , so their hug started off a bit awkward until they managed to relax into it. Not for the first time in his lifetime, Rafael was glad this family was so affectionate. 

“Call me if you need anything, okay?,” Bella said softly as they parted. “And I don’t mean only for Sonny. We’re still family, Rafael.”

Suddenly feeling his throat tightening, Rafael didn’t want to risk saying anything, so he nodded and smiled reassuringly at Bella.

They walked out of the office to find Sonny sitting on the couch with a glass of orange juice in hand, perusing through his video games with interest. Rafael couldn’t help but smile. It was such a regular scene of their day to day life, he allowed it to sooth him for a second.

“Alright, I’m going,” Bella announced with a eager tone. “Have fun, big brother. I’ll see you tomorrow. Behave!,” she sang-song on her way to the door.

Sonny chuckled, not really paying much attention to his little sister’s antics as he read the back of one of the cases. When the door closed, he looked up at Rafael with the sudden realization that now they were alone.

“The console is under the TV,” Rafael offered as a lifeline. A video game would give Sonny the excuse to not interact with him just yet.

Sonny cleared his throat. “Do you mind if I play a little?”

“Not at all,” he said with a encouraging smile. “Go ahead. I’ll be in the kitchen trying to figure lunch out.”

Sonny nodded, then went to the TV to switch it on. Again, it looked so  _ normal _ , so  _ domestic, _ Rafael’s heart ached for them. For their normality. For their relationship. 

But right now, there was nothing to do except make sure Sonny felt comfortable. So, as his husband settled on the couch with a controller in hand, Rafael went into the kitchen to get Sonny’s favorite meal ready for lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did Olivia find Rafael?? Find my friends app. 
> 
> Next chapter we've got Sonny's pov, the boys talk about their lives, Sonny goes through his social media, and talks to his Priest. See you Wednesday! 
> 
> Please don't forget to leave comments and kudos! This fic is one of my most subscribed, but the comments are a little low so if you like it, I'd love to hear it! I'm craving that validation <3 <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank and give a shout out to Chey and Mel G. for their support of me and this story. Your words have truly lit a spark within me when I was doubting myself, so thank you SO much. I really appreciate you both.
> 
> We're halfway through, and things are slowly going to start getting beter... unless something happens. Let's see! Enjoy!

Lunch had been quiet, but not unpleasant. Sonny complimented Rafael’s cooking, and made vague questions about the building and the apartment. Rafael thought he was feigning interest to try and figure out where he would be sleeping.

“There’s a guest room ready, I can stay there if you want to take the master bedroom. I don’t mind,” Rafael said casually. He honestly did not care, but secretly hoped Sonny would choose to sleep in their bedroom.

Maybe the room would inspire something in him, bring some sort of familiar sentiment to Sonny. But the other man shook his head, and very politely said that he should take the guest room. Rafael guessed that he really did feel like a guest.

“It’s not fair for me to take your room,” Sonny waved him off, and Rafael nodded silently.

After dinner, Sonny offered to wash the dishes, and Rafael went into the guest room to take out pillows and throws. He sneakily included the dark blue soft throw Sonny always wrapped around himself when they were being lazy in bed. 

Rafael then gave him a tour of the apartment, showing him the bathroom in the hallway that was free for him to use. Then, when they did go into the master bedroom, he encouraged him to step in, take a look around. Sonny did, seeming a little stiff but still curious. 

Sonny’s wedding ring had been removed from his finger before the MRI scan, and the hospital had returned it to Rafael in a plastic bag. It’d broken his heart for what felt like the fifth time that day, but now the ring laid on Sonny’s bedside table, and he zeroed in on that immediately. 

He stared at it for what felt like an eternity, and Rafael waited with bated breath for a reaction. However, Sonny looked away from it and continued his exploration of the room as if nothing was amiss. 

Sonny looked at the picture frames up on their wall. Their engagement party, their wedding, their honeymoon, all laid out there. In the pictures that they weren’t kissing, both men had huge smiles on their faces. Rafael watched quietly as Sonny examined each one with a sad look on his face.

“Is this Italy?,” Sonny asked, pointing at one of the pictures.

“Yes, we went there for our honeymoon,” Rafael explained with a small smile. “We spent a whole month driving through Europe. Portugal, Spain, France and, of course, Italy.” 

“Wow,” Sonny breathed, shaking his head. “This is really frustrating. I’ve always wanted to go to Italy, and I did, but at the same time I didn’t. Did we get to Torino?”

“Yeah,” he replied softly, suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed. He remembered what Tessa had said about Sonny feeling like his life had been stolen from him. These pictures would only rectify that. 

Sonny sighed. “I wish I could remember that.”

They stood there in silence for a while, Sonny looking at the picture of them, Rafael looking at Sonny. He watched as the look of sadness on Sonny’s face turned into one of anger. In a way, he could relate to that. 

“I think I’m going to try to take a nap,” Sonny finally said, looking away. 

“Ah, okay,” Rafael nodded, feeling dejected. “I’ll be in the office if you need me.”

Sonny exited the room in quick strides, and Rafael knew he wasn’t going to nap. He hardly ever did, it was like he had enough energy to go days without sleep. He knew Sonny just wanted to get away from a while, and he told himself to respect that.

Still, Rafael sat down at the end of their bed with a tired sigh and held his head in his hands for a moment or two. 

* * *

Sonny didn’t nap at all. He just needed some time to process the fact that he was actually, legally married to this man he had never seen before. His family had had nothing but compliments about Rafael, even his father had nice things to say, but it all seemed unreal to Sonny.

He’d known for a while that he was into men, too. Ever since he was a teenager, when he found himself with a crush on a boy from the football team, he knew there was something there, and it had scared him, so he quickly asked a girl from his class if she wanted to be his girlfriend. 

It had been an innocent fling where they basically sat together everyday, shared candy and only shared two or three quick, chaste kisses that had the both of them blushing to the roots of their hair. But Sonny genuinely likes her, so he thought that maybe he had misunderstood the thing with the boy. Maybe it was only admiration.

It was not admiration, however, that got Sonny pinned against a wall by his neighbor in his father’s shed, kissing the living days out of him a few years later. He was 18, then, and so was Timmy, and they both definitely did get aroused by the whole experience. 

Sonny had cried himself to sleep for two weeks, promising God he would never let that happen again, and hoping that Timmy wouldn’t tell his sisters about what they did. A while later that same year, the whole Carisi family moved, and Sonny never saw Timmy again. 

For a while, it was a relief, but the feelings did not go away whatsoever. And, when Sonny joined the Police academy, he was rudely reminded of it by one of the guys who’d joined the program with him. His name was Christopher, he was handsome, smart, and always nice to everybody. 

Sonny and Christopher were often paired up, and soon enough they were flirting and making eyes at each other. Chris was out and proud, and he talked about the freedom of being true to himself like it was the most beautiful, amazing thing to ever happen to him, and it was inspiring. 

So what if Sonny liked guys, too? There was nothing wrong with that, and Christopher was living proof of that. 

Until there was. 

Sonny overhead two other trainees talking about Christopher in hushed, worried tones. They were saying they both like Chris, but he was never going to make it into the academy. He was too flamboyant, they said. He should keep it down, they said. No one would ever want a queer for a partner, they laughed. And when Chris failed his final exam, Sonny knew exactly why.

So he decided to keep it to himself. No one in the force knew, and Sonny had only looked for relationships with women. When he finally made Detective, Sonny had felt that maybe the whole thing had payed off.

Now here he was, laying in a bed that he’d probably chosen, in bed sheets he’d probably paid for, with decor that he’d probably put together himself, scrolling through his Instagram feed with a sad sigh as he looked at the life he wanted, but couldn’t remember ever getting.

There were a lot of pictures of him with Rafael. At dinners, in what looked like Rafael’s office, in the apartment. With their respective families, with friends, with kids. The comments were all supportive, complimentary, and Sonny looked so goddamn happy in all of the pictures it made him want to punch a wall. 

He went back to the most recent one the most often. It was a selfie from the night before the accident, and Sonny zoomed in on his own face, his smile so big his eyes were squinty, and he knew what his slightly puffed lips meant. It panged something unpleasant inside him to think that he was that happy once, then it got taken away from him. 

Sonny zoomed into Rafael’s face next, and the other man’s lips were a bit swollen too. It made Sonny warm thinking about what they were doing before this picture was taken. Rafael was a very handsome man, and Sonny failed in not being affected by him. He was afraid that if he allowed himself to really look at Rafael, he’d never stop staring. 

Apart from his family, he didn’t know who most of the people in the comments were, but it seemed that they had big supporters, judging by the very enthusiastic response. One in particular always made Sonny laugh a little. It was left by someone called Mike Dodds, and from his profile Sonny guessed they worked together.

‘ _ You guys are the most attractive couple I’ve ever seen with my own two eyes, wow. Please adopt me, dads _ ,’ the comment said, and the use of ‘dads’ at the end always made him snort inelegantly. 

Then, as quickly as the laughter came, it went away to be replaced by a wave of sadness. He felt like he was mourning for somebody else’s life, even thought it was  _ his  _ face in these pictures, and it was frustrating as hell. 

So after about one hour of looking through his profile and the comments, Sonny stood up and decided that he was going to cook dinner, and he’d make an effort to actually have a conversation with Rafael. 

He knew the awkwardness between them was mostly his fault, but he just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he ended up married to a man, who he had met  _ on the job _ , who happened to be a Manhattan  _ Assistant District Attorney.  _ That seemed like a feat and a half.

It all seemed too surreal, especially because Rafael was  _ gorgeous, _ with his green eyes and dark hair, his tanned skin and thick biceps, not too mention his ass--

Sonny shook himself, frowning at the line of thought he’d fallen into  _ again _ . It’d become a repeating pattern really fast, and it’d thrown Sonny out of the loop. He was tired of trying to psychoanalyse every single thought that ran through his mind, but that one was pretty obvious, even if it was still a little surprising.

The door to Rafael’s office was open, and Sonny approached gingerly. The man himself was sitting behind a big desk, hunched over some papers, twirling a gold pen in his hand. There was something about the scene that made Sonny pause to just take it in.

It was very domestic, and somehow familiar. Rafael, even though he was wearing casual clothes, looked like a very important man who was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

Tentatively, Sonny knocked on the open door sheepishly, ducking his head when Rafael looked up at him. 

“Is everything okay?,” Rafael asked softly.

Sonny nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to ask you if it’s okay for me to get started on dinner.”

“Oh, you don’t have to cook,” he frowned. “I’ll get something ready for us, don’t worry.”

“It’s fine, I want to,” Sonny said eagerly. “I miss it. Ma wouldn’t let me near the kitchen all week.”

Rafael chuckled, then paused to consider it. “If you really want to, the kitchen’s all yours. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Alright,” he smiled. “Any preferences?”

“You’ve never steered me wrong, so whatever you feel like making,” Rafael smiled back.

“I hope you don’t regret saying that, Counselor,” Sonny joked, then blushed when Rafael’s smile grew. 

Sonny nodded at him and quickly made his way to the kitchen. He looked around for a moment, trying to mentally get acquainted with the space. Opening the fridge, Sonny almost sang. It was full to the brim, and the possibilities were endless. 

He looked at the clock on the wall, then at fridge again, and smiled. He had more than enough time.

* * *

When Sonny called Rafael over after he set the table, he felt nervous. He hadn’t made anything special, it was his favorite lasagna recipe, but he couldn’t stop the butterflies from taking flight in his stomach and frowned, looking down at himself in annoyance. 

“Are you okay?,” Rafael asked as he stepped into the dinner room. 

Sonny blushed, embarrassed. “Yeah, all good. I made lasagna. Hope you like it.”

“Oh my god,” he exclaimed, his eyes going wide as he approached the table. “Is it your nonna’s recipe?”

“Uh,” Sonny blinked. “Yeah.” 

Rafael beamed. “Hands down the  _ best  _ lasagna I’ve ever had. Thank you.”

Excited, Rafael took a seat and waited for Sonny expectantingly. He almost did a double take to the different picture this man made compared to the one he’d just seen in his office. 

Sonny served them both, along with a glass of wine each, them sat across from Rafael with a friendly smile. He tried to push away thoughts concerning his sexuality, or the fact that he was married to this man, and made an effort to look at him as a friend, someone he was trying to get to know better.

“So, you’re an ADA, right?,” Sonny started, shifting slightly when Rafael threw him a curious look. He nodded, and Sonny mimicked him. “That’s cool. And do you wanna make DA someday?”

Rafael paused for a moment. “I’m don’t think so. I like helping people, but individually, if that makes sense. And the politics behind the DA position is a nightmare.”

“How about a judge, then? You’re still working individual cases, and the politics are less taxing,” he shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“My abuelita used to call me  _ el juez,”  _ he said, sounding nostalgic. “She was sure I’d become a judge someday. If I did it, I’m not sure if it would be because I wanted to or because it’s what she wanted.” 

Sonny nodded. “I get that.”

A silence fell around the table. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t what Sonny wanted either. He took a few bites of his food, considering what to say next. 

“Who’s Mike Dodds?,” he asked suddenly, and Rafael let out a surprised laugh.

“He’s SVU’s Sergeant. The two of you are very close friends.”

“Ah,” Sonny tilted his head. “That explains why he’s commented in every single one of my Instagram photos.”

Rafael paused, his fork frozen mid-air. Sonny blushed for what felt like the 15th time that day. Rafael now knew he’d been looking at pictures of them. 

“Yes,” he eventually said, setting his fork back on his plate. “He’s a very supportive friend. I’m sure that if you check your phone, you’ll find a text chain of the two of you going on and on about some sports game, or puppies, or whatever it is.” 

Sonny hadn’t thought to check his texts yet, and made a mental note to do that soon. 

“You like to trade memes back and forth, although I’m not sure what those are,” Rafael said with a fond roll of his eyes. “I don’t know how you two ever get any work done.” 

“You mean he’s my partner?,” Sonny asked curiously. It was weird to think he was best friends with a police Sergeant who left comments on his Instagram asking him to adopt him.

Rafael shrugged. “Olivia likes to mix and match depending on the case, but you two work together the most. You just… click.”

“Can you tell me more about SVU?,” he asked, not sure who Olivia was supposed to be. 

Rafael smiled at him. “Sure. And I talked to Olivia, she said you can go into the precinct whenever you feel ready.”

“Oh, that’d be great!,” Sonny jumped up on his seat, excited. “But… I’m sorry to ask -- Who’s Olivia?”

The ADA looked at him with a pensive look, then started explaining the ins and outs of Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit. How Sonny got there, who was who, how they worked, and, excitingly, Rafael’s own role in it all.

It was a very successful dinner, and they didn’t get up until the wine bottle was empty.

* * *

Being at Church made Sonny feel comfortable and at ease, because it was like there was nothing wrong with him. 

Sonny felt normal, here. He remembered most of the people present, and they all knew him, but not well enough to notice something was off. So he mingled, and talked to many familiar faces who treated him like they always did.

He had had to give vague answers when people asked about his job here and there, but it was still better than everyone giving him pity eyes because he didn’t remember a part of his life.

But he couldn’t help the nagging guilt that kept growing in him every time someone asked about Rafael. He hadn’t even thought to invite him along, he never considered that this might be something that they did together on Sundays. He’d seen the hurt in Rafael’s eyes when he left that morning, and he should have known, but he was still getting the hang of suddenly being married.

At one particular moment, Father Patrick approached him with a kind smile. He placed one hand on Sonny’s shoulder and guided him away from the crowd.

“Your mother told me about your incident, are you okay?,” he asked, softly, regarding Sonny with attentive eyes.

“I guess,” Sonny sighed. “It’s all very confusing.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine,” Father Patrick paused, and his tone was cautious as he continued. “She said you forgot about nine years back.”

“Roughly, yes.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Sonny. We’ve had talks since then that have seemed to be… crucial,” he smiled softly. 

“Is this about Rafael?,” he suddenly felt a little overwhelmed. How much had he talked about his sexuality with his priest? 

Father Patrick nodded. “In a way, yes. You struggled, for a while, coming to terms with your feelings for him.”

“We talked about that?,” Sonny whispered. “I wasn’t sure you knew…”

“I officiated your wedding, Sonny,” he smiled, looking very pleased. “It seemed only right, considering how much you talked about him to me. And Rafael has been here many times since then.”

Sonny was surprised. “So you’re okay with it?”

Father Patrick laughed. “More than. When you first came to me you were very worried about what your family would think. You said you’d met someone, and you felt very strongly about them.”

“Yeah? And what did you say?,” he asked, eager for acceptance from his priest.

“When it comes to love, God makes no mistakes, Sonny. You love who you love. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I knew your family would see it. And they did,” Father Patrick smiled, satisfied. “I never told you this before, but your father came to talk to me after you told him about Rafael.”

“My father?,” Sonny frowned, sagging slightly. “I guessed he’d have some trouble with that either way.”

“Yes, but his trouble wasn’t with you, Sonny,” he guaranteed with a pat to Sonny’s back. “He came to tell me he loved you, no matter who you fell in love with, and that if the church had a problem with that, then he had a problem with the church.”

Sonny felt tears prickling in the back of his eyes. That was reassuring, and he suddenly really needed a hug from his dad.

“Nine years is a lot of time, Sonny. It’s a lot of baggage, a lot of experience, and growth. If you’d like, why don’t you come around Wednesday, after lunch? We can talk more then.”

“I’d like that. Thank you, Father.”

“And Sonny, I have no doubt in my heart that Rafael loves you, and that you love him just as much. I know you’ve forgotten your history, but I don’t think you could ever just forget your feelings. Don’t fight what’s inside your heart, okay?,” Father Patrick pleaded, a hand to his chest. 

Sonny smiled softly, nodding. “I’ll try.”

That day, Sonny had lunch with his family, then asked Bella to give him a ride back to Manhattan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall really came through for me in the comments last chapter, and I'm just so happy!!! I can't even begin to tell just how much it fills me with joy to see your predictions, concern for the characters and when you notice small details, it honestly makes me feel like I'm doing something right. 
> 
> Please, let's keep it up! It took me about a month to write this story, and seeing it get its validation truly makes it all the most special - and inspires me to write others. Love you <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny looks through his text messages and finds something very interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you who have been excited about each update, I really appreciate it!!

Rafael had been so elated when Sonny got back home that he’d suggested they order pizza for dinner, and Sonny promptly accepted. He’d gotten Sonny’s favorite toppings and then served him a nice, cold beer. 

He had stayed home, choosing to forgo lunch with his mother given the current situation with Sonny’s memory loss. Rafael preferred to stay home in case he got any bad news about Sonny choosing to stay in Staten Island. He wasn’t too fond of the idea of having a meltdown in front of his mother.

So Rafael had stayed, waiting. He’d barely eaten out of nerves, but now his appetite was back, and the smell of melted cheese almost made him groan out loud. 

Sonny had chosen a sitcom from Netflix and now they sat on the couch, laughing at the TV and stuffing themselves with greasy pizza. If Rafael allowed himself to forget the accident, he could pretend this was any old regular Sunday in the Barba-Carisi household. 

Sonny looked comfortable, easy laughs coming over him as they watched the main character trip on her shoelaces. They shared the last slice evenly, and Sonny threw Rafael a smile that made his heart clench inside his chest.

Rafael would honestly never get over just how beautiful he was, with his charming lopsided smile that showed his dimples, the playful glint in his shiny blue eyes and his hair, now grayer than it once was, free of product falling on his forehead.

The night took a turn, however, when Rafael made a comment about Sonny passing the bar.

“A brown envelope?,” the character on the show said to another with a tutt. “Nothing good ever comes in a brown envelope. Don’t sign anything until you’ve had someone with glasses read it.”

Sonny let out a loud laugh.“‘Someone with glasses’,” he repeated, shaking his head. “That’s what lawyers are for, right?”

Rafael snorted. “Spoke like someone who passed the bar on their first try.”

“What?,” he asked with a confused tilt of his head. 

“You know...,” Rafael paused, suddenly aware of the fact that Sonny didn’t remember ever taking the bar exam. 

“I passed the bar?,” Sonny frowned. “You mean  _ I’m _ a lawyer?” 

Rafael let out a small sigh, looking at at himself with a shake of his head before he turned towards Sonny. “When you joined SVU, you were on your third year of night school at Fordham Law. You were very eager about it, always giving your two cents about cases and trials. You even shadowed me on a case once, and we worked really well together. You worked really hard, and it was no surprise to me that you passed on your first try.”

Sonny stared at him for a few seconds, mouth agape and eyes a little wide, then set the beer bottle he had in hand on the coffee table, stood up and left the room. Rafael watched him go until he heard the loud slam of the guest bedroom door.

Rafael grimaced at himself for the slip-up.

Normally, Rafael would let Sonny calm down, then go after him with a drink. He picked up that habit once he realized Sonny would groan and grunt to himself when he was upset, and it made his voice sound a little hoarse when they sat down to talk. 

Now, however, Rafael wasn’t sure what to do about  _ this _ Sonny. Would he turn Rafael away if he tried to help, or would he accept it? Either way, he had to at least try it.

So Rafael turned off the TV, picked up the pizza box and bottles of beer and took everything into the kitchen. He put the box and the bottles in the trash, then grabbed a damp cloth and went back to clean the beer Sonny had spilled on the coffee table and the pizza crumbs. He put the couch pillows back in its places, then put the remotes back in their assigned storage box. 

Rafael looked down the hall, to Sonny’s still closed door, and decided to give him a little more time. With a sigh, he went to take a warm shower, hoping that things would be better once he came out. 

When he did, the was still no sign of Sonny, so Rafael went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and, with a little trepidation but with his head held high, he knocked on Sonny’s door. In only took a beat, then came Sonny’s voice telling him to come in.

Sonny was sitting up in bed, the dark blue throw tucked nicely around his legs, and he had his phone in hand, but quickly set it down when Rafael approached the end of the bed and offered him the glass of water.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny said after he took two big gulps. “I didn’t mean to react like that, I just-- I’m just tired of other people having to tell me what my life is like.”

Rafael nodded, sitting down by Sonny’s feet with a sympathetic look. “I understand. It was insensitive of me to spring information on you like that. I know your Doctor said to take it easy, but I--”

He paused, looking down at his lap with a sigh. “I didn’t do it on purpose,” Rafael continued. “But maybe talking about it could help you remember.”

“That’s what my mother said, but Rafael, it’s really hard,” he shook his head, setting the glass on the bedside table and leaning forward. “I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted and, hell, even things I didn’t know I wanted, or that were possible. And it’s like someone stole it all from me.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine how frustrating that is, but don’t you want to get those things back?”

“Of course,” Sonny said frustratingly, throwing his hands up. “But what if I never do? Then I’ll just be learning about everything I lost.”

“Sonny,” Rafael shook his head, turning so he could look right at him. “You didn’t lose anything. We both know your case is temporary,” they didn’t know that, but Rafael had to keep telling himself that it was. “But even if it wasn’t, you’ll still go back to SVU. You’ll have to learn the ropes again, but if you did it once, you can do it again. And you’ve got your parents’ support, that’s not going anywhere either. And… you have me. We’re still married, Sonny. And I--,” he took a deep breath. “I still love you. That hasn’t changed.”

Sonny seemed to consider his words for a moment, and Rafael was pleased to see he didn’t look uncomfortable at the mention of their marriage. That was almost enough to dull the pain of seeing his lack of reaction to Rafael’s open declaration of love.

“But the bar exam,” Sonny mumbled. “I don’t remember anything about Law school.” 

“You’ve learned it once, you can learn it again,” Rafael encouraged with a tentative smile. “And with a great teacher to boot.”

“Yeah?,” he chuckled. “Is that teacher you?”

Rafael huffed playfully. “I’ll have you know back then you told me you wouldn’t have passed without my help, so show a little respect, will you?”

“Well, I guess you aren’t that bad, then,” Sonny teased. “So, if you really think it might help, tell me something about us.”

“Is there anything you’d like to know?”

Sonny tilted his head. “Who made the first move?”

Rafael laughed, shaking his head. That was an argument he and Sonny had often, both wanting to take the credit for that night. 

“Well, you would always say you did, but I really think it was me, because I had been dropping hints for the longest time.”

“You were dropping hints?,” Sonny raised an eyebrow. “Somehow, I doubt that.”

Rafael chuckled. “Yes, apparently I was too subtle. Technically, you did kiss me first.”

“That sounds more believable,” he smirked. “Where was it?”

“In my office. We were working after hours, as we often did, and after we were done I offered you a drink. It was just an excuse to get you to stay a little longer, really,” Rafael shrugged, sighing dreamily. “We sat on the couch, talking a bit, then we were laughing, and you leaned closer and said I had a nice laugh.”

“I did  _ not _ ,” Sonny laughed. “That’s too corny, there’s no way.”

Rafael laughed along with him. “You did, I swear. So I leaned closer, too, and you asked if you could kiss me. I said yes, and the rest is history.” 

“That doesn’t sound too romantic, in my opinion. I could have done way better than that,” he said, shaking his head disapprovingly. 

“Yeah? Like what?,” Rafael asked with an eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know, maybe I could have invited you to dinner, and then kissed you goodnight. Or better, I could have  _ cooked  _ for you and kissed you before we even had any food,” Sonny said, and now he was the one with the dreamy look. 

“That does sound romantic,” he smiled. “But I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was the most perfect kiss, Sonny. I promise it did not disappoint.”

Sonny nodded, and Rafael saw the moment his eyes flickered down to his lips. He swallowed hard, feeling like the air suddenly felt heavier, charged. If it weren’t for the long expanse of Sonny’s legs between them, Rafael would have leaned in. 

But he couldn’t, so instead he cleared his throat and stood up. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. We can talk more tomorrow. I have a couple files on my computer with pictures, if you’d like to take a look at them. You know, birthdays, your Fordham graduation, our wedding and honeymoon, your niece’s baptism, the important dates.” 

“Yeah, yeah, that’d be cool,” he said, looking away with a slight blush. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Let me know if you have any questions, alright?,” Rafael smiled as he reached for the door, then remembered he had something else he needed to talk to Sonny about. “Oh, I forgot. I talked to Olivia, she said you can go into the precinct tomorrow if you’d like.”

Sonny’s face lit up. “Really? That’s great.”

Rafael nodded. “You can’t go into field work yet, but she said you can help with the investigations and watch interrogations if you feel up for the job.”

The other man nodded so eagerly Rafael thought his head was going to detach itself from his body. “I do, I feel great. That’d be good.”

“Great, then,” he smiled at the enthusiasm. “We’ve got an early call tomorrow, then. Set your alarm for 7:30am, okay?”

“Sure, alright,” Sonny nodded some more, immediately grabbing his phone. “Goodnight, Rafael. And thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Sonny. Goodnight.”

* * *

Before Rafael had knocked on his door for their little heart to heart, Sonny had been looking at his chats on his phone. So he sat an alarm for the time Rafael had suggested, and went back to iMessage.

The chains of text between him and Mike Dodds were never-ending, and Sonny couldn’t help but laugh at a few of the memes they’d shared. They seemed to have a very similar sense of humor, and even without any memory of the man, Sonny liked him already. Very few of the texts were actually about work, and Sonny was reminded of Rafael’s comment about not knowing how they ever got anything done.

From there, Sonny thought to check the texts he exchanged with Rafael. His contact really was under “baby” and Sonny wasn’t so sure he could associate that pet name with the ADA, but he did wonder what Rafael called  _ him _ .

He found out pretty soon through the chat, though, because Rafael called him “love” every other text he sent. There were all types of texts - a little bit of teasing, some inside jokes, lists of things they needed to buy at the grocery store, stories about people Sonny didn’t remember, some flirting, date planning, dinner requests, declarations of love, and, much to Sonny’s surprise, sexting.

Sonny felt his entire face going red as he read a few bits here and there, and suddenly he needed to kick the covers off his body because the heat was too much. It was nothing too graphic, but the promises were loud and clear. Then, one particular tidbit made Sonny’s heart race.

**Sonny:** God Raf, your ass looks so good in those pants   
**Rafael:** I saw you staring. You aren’t subtle at all.   
**Sonny:** You’re my husband, I don’t have to be subtle   
**Sonny:** I can’t concentrate at work now and it’s your fault   
**Rafael:** Yeah? Maybe you should punish me tonight because of that.   
**Rafael:** Tie me down and do whatever you want with me.   
**Sonny:** I’m in the precinct, you have to stop    
**Rafael:** You were the one who texted me about my ass.   
**Sonny:** BECAUSE IT LOOKED TOO GOOD, I HAD TO   
**Rafael:** Well, if you can’t help yourself, go to the bathroom and look at the little nude stash you’ve got on your phone.   
**Sonny:** They aren’t nudes, Raf. They’re artful shots   
**Rafael:** Yes. Of my ass.

Sonny swallowed hard, reading the last three texts over and over again. He had nude pictures of Rafael on his phone? The phone he had with him all along? Full of pictures of Rafael’s naked ass? The phone  _ in his hand  _ had naked pictures of Rafael in it.

He felt like pulling his hair out as heat spread down his body, giving him goosebumps as it went. With a small huff, Sonny closed iMessage and opened his camera roll and, before he convinced himself this was wrong, he started scrolling until he found them. 

Amongst pictures of dinner plates, selfies, and memes, there they were. A sequence of five pictures of Rafael’s ass. Without clicking on the miniatures, Sonny set his phone face down on the bed and brought a hand to his face, closing his eyes. 

He wanted to look, he  _ really  _ wanted to look. 

Sonny wasn’t sure how wrong this was if Rafael actually did know that these pictures existed and encouraged Sonny about looking at them, but he needed to see despite his uncertainty. So he picked up his phone again, and clicked on the first one.

It was a picture of Rafael laying on his front on the bed, taken from above him. Sonny could see a part of his lower back, his crack, and the top part of his thighs. He felt himself salivating at the expanse of tanned skin he could see, then swiped to the next one. 

Rafael was standing, looking over his shoulder at Sonny with a filthy smirk, and he felt something curling at the pit of his stomach and groaned. God, he looked so good. Sonny could see how the curve of his ass better in this one, and his cheeks were plump and  _ Christ _ , maddening.

The next one was similar to the second, except Rafael had turned away. Sonny appreciated the muscles on his back just as much as he appreciated the man’s ass, and he could see a dark red mark on the curve of Rafael’s shoulder that made him shudder.  _ He  _ did that, Sonny had put that mark there. 

The fourth picture was in the bathroom, and Sonny could see his own hand grabbing Rafael’s ass, and he immediately started sweating. 

Sonny stood up, phone still in hand, and pulled his shirt off. He thought about opening a window, but then he got distracted by his own hand grabbing tightly at the meat of Rafael’s ass and closed his eyes for a second. There was no denying his body was reacting to these images, but he was  _ not  _ going to touch himself to pictures of Rafael.

The fifth picture made him drop his phone altogether and a garbled sound escaped his throat as his brain processed what he was seeing and his dick twitched madly inside his pants. He was never going to be able to look at Rafael in the eye ever again after that.

With his eyes closed, Sonny picked up his phone and pressed the home button just to make sure the picture wouldn’t be there when he looked again - and it wasn’t, but it was burned in his brain now. Rafael with a towel in hand, bent over the bathtub, on full display. 

Sonny shook, trying to will his erection away, but the image kept flashing back. Those were not  _ artful shots _ , that was bullshit. Those were nudes, and they should not be on his phone. God  _ forbid  _ they fall into the wrong hands, it could destroy their careers.

How could Rafael ever allow him to keep these? What was  _ he  _ thinking walking around with those in his pocket? It was completely reckless, and Sonny had to delete them. 

Except he couldn’t. As he looked at the selected images, his finger hovered over the “delete” button until, with a grunt, he pressed the lock button and threw his phone on the bed. He paced back and forth in the room, thinking about some of the most awful scenarios he could muster, until he managed to calm down.

He settled into bed with a frown, his face still burning red, frustrated, and with images of Rafael’s bare ass flashing every time he closed his eyes. There was nothing to question about his sexuality, then.

Tomorrow was going to be a nightmare.

* * *

The morning started off a bit awkward. Sonny kept glancing at Rafael then looking away, frowning. Rafael’s greeting and attempts at small talk were met with little hums and one-word replies.

The previous night had ended well, and Rafael was confused by his change of attitude, but then he turned to pick up his briefcase, and when he looked over his shoulder to ask if Sonny would need his he found the other man staring unblinkingly at his ass. 

Rafael smirked, and turned completely with an eyebrow raised. Sonny’s eyes snapped up, and grew wide when he realized he had been caught. Suddenly the way Sonny had choked on his coffee when Rafael came out of the bedroom earlier made a lot of sense.

“I wasn’t—,” he spluttered. “I didn’t—“

“It’s okay, Sonny,” he shrugged. “You can look.”

Sonny’s face was flaming red, but his eyes did wonder down Rafael’s body like he couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t wearing his suit jacket yet, and his pink suspenders had always been Sonny’s favorite, so he just stood there as Sonny eyes roamed. 

There was a time, a little after they met, when Rafael would catch Sonny looking, just like now. Long, appreciative looks when Rafael was distracted by something else. Sonny thought the ADA never noticed, until the day Rafael called him out on it. 

Sonny had spluttered, much like he did now, he tried to deny it then, and Rafael quickly realized he was still very much in the closet. He had told Sonny he could look then, too, and admitted to also appreciate the Detective’s sudden wardrobe change. 

From then on, Sonny stopped being discreet. He’d look Rafael up and down, he’d stare at his biceps, at his ass, and once Rafael even caught him tracing his eyes up and down the suspender that sat tight down his chest. 

It was thrilling then, and it was thrilling now. It had been one of the very first signs of Sonny’s interest, and Rafael hoped that this repetition meant the same as it once did. 

“Do you need your briefcase?,” Rafael asked, turned around again to stuff papers into his and snap it closed. If he bent over a little more than necessary, it was for him to know. 

When there was no answer, Rafael turned to Sonny to find him, once again, very distracted by his ass. It was deeply amusing, not to mention a nice boost to his ego - and his hope.

“Sonny,” he called with a smile.

“What?,” Sonny’s eyes snapped up again. “You said I could look!,” he added defensively, then frowned. 

Rafael chuckled. “You can,” he confirmed slyly, running a hand down his suspender, and Sonny’s eyes followed the movement with rapid attention. “Look all you want, whenever you want.”

Sonny swallowed hard. “Yeah. You look--,” he shook himself out of his trance, and somehow managed to blush even darker. “You look nice.”

“Thank you,” he preened. “So do you. Now, do you need your briefcase?”

“No, I think I’m good,” Sonny shook his head vehemently. 

Rafael smirked. “Great, so let’s go or you’ll be late.”

* * *

Sonny sat at his desk, trying to look busy as people came and went around him. Lieutenant Benson had introduced everyone and said they’d be going over the case once Sergeant Dodds arrived, so he had some time to look around. 

There was a picture of him and Rafael set next to his lamp, and he wasn’t surprised to see it. It wasn’t as blatantly loving as the ones he’d seen before, in the master bedroom in the apartment, for example. It looked like they were sitting at a bar, side by side, each one with a drink in hand, smiling at the camera. They were both in suits, and Sonny guessed it was a work get-together. 

On his desk, there was a phone, an empty mug, a pen holder filled with pens and pencils, a calendar, and his computer. Opening the drawers, he found nothing but notepads, case notes and case files. It seemed like he was well organized, at least. 

He opened his laptop and sighed when he realized it was password protected, and he had no clue as to what it could be. He typed in the one he used the most as of late, his badge number, but it was incorrect. However, it showed a tip, but the only thing it said was “Rafael.”

Of course.

Sonny’s brain immediately flashed back to Rafael in his suit this morning. It suddenly was not surprising to Sonny that he had made a move on him at work. The man looked good enough to eat and when Sonny remembered he did look good enough to eat  _ without _ his suit, too, he felt his face heating up.

He shook his head immediately, trying to push those thoughts away. It wasn’t the time or place to get worked up, but Sonny felt like his phone was now burning a hole in his pocket. Thankfully, no one was paying him any mind.

“Sonny!,” he heard someone call excitedly, then turned to see a tall man with dark hair approach him with a big smile and open arms. Sonny recognized him from the pictures; this was Sergeant Dodds.

Sonny stood up, a little unsure, but then the man pulled him into a tight hug, tapping his back affectionately and laughing in his ear. “It’s so freaking good to see you here again, man.”

“Dodds,” came Olivia’s amused voice. “We’re all very excited to have Carisi back, but maybe take it easy on him.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dodds pulled away, still smiling. “Sorry. How have you been?”

“Uh,” Sonny blinked. “Good, yeah. Uh. It’s still a little weird.”

Dodds nodded. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like. But hey, if you’ve got any questions, let me know, okay? We’re quite close friends, I know a lot,” he said, then winked.

Did he know about the pictures in Sonny’s phone, he wondered. But then Olivia was ushering them all towards the briefing room, and Sonny found himself distracted for the rest of the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I tell yall I had the most fun writing the scene with the nudes, it's because IT'S TRUE. It was extremely amusing to me. I hope you liked it!!
> 
> Next chapter will be up on Monday, and we've got: Rafael feeling over the moon about how their relationship is evolving, but then Anne shows up and things get a little ugly.
> 
> Please let me know how you liked this chapter, and what you expect will happen next! I've been loving and living for all your comments. <3 MWAH


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Rafael get closer, but Anne comes in for a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next touch on religion a bit more, but it's fair to say that I'm not looking for religious accuracy, the same way the science behind Sonny losing his memories isn't that realistic either. So take it with a grain of salt 
> 
> Now this is when everything changes. So enjoy!

Despite not having his memories, Sonny could say that things were steadily becoming normal. He and Rafael kind of had a routine now which involved breakfast together, then Sonny would drive Rafael to the DA’s office and go to the precinct. 

He still wasn’t allowed out in the field, but there was plenty of work to get done in the squad as well, and it kept him occupied for most of the day. Sonny was excited for the case they were working on to go to trial so he could see Rafael in action.

On Wednesday, he’d asked Olivia for a couple hours of lunch break so he could go to Staten Island and see his priest. She had given him a long look, but dismissed him without saying anything. 

Their talk had been enlightening, then. Sonny still didn’t remember anything, but Father Patrick had told him about every crucial confession Sonny had made through the years, he repeated the advices he had offered back then, and Sonny told him about his current thoughts and desires towards Rafael. 

“You’re married, Sonny,” he said with a sympathetic smile. “You got married here, in this church, and we listened to your vows and prayed for your relationship. We celebrated it in the house of God, and that hasn’t changed. Rafael is more than welcome here, and you’re both loved by Him.”

So now, as he cooked dinner and waited for Rafael to come home from work, Sonny had an idea. He wanted Rafael to go with him to mass on Sunday. Maybe seeing him there would officially cement the idea that they were together, in every aspect of their lives. 

They hadn’t really talked about it, but Sonny knew from Bella that Rafael was lapsed, and he wasn’t sure how the other man would take the invitation, but he had mentally prepared to argue in his favor.

Sonny looked up when he heard the key turn in the door lock, and Rafael walked in with a happy sigh - happy to be home. He watched as the ADA took off his suit jacket and vest, shoes and socks, then deposited his briefcase on a chair in the living room. When Rafael looked at him, Sonny smiled.

“Hey,” he greeted, stirring the pot with pasta. “Good day?”

“All things considered, yes,” Rafael walked towards him, assessing the pans on the stove. “What are we having?”

“Carbonara, if that’s okay with you.”

Rafael hummed appreciatively, leaning in to take a whiff of the sauce. “More than. How was your day at SVU?”

Sonny beamed. He was growing closer to the squad by the day. Rollins was like one of his sisters, she liked teasing him and making inappropriate jokes. Olivia was like the mom of the squad, and she always stopped to see how Sonny was doing, telling him not to strain himself. Fin was still kind of a mystery to him, but he offered sound advice between briefings, and told Sonny about some of the cases they worked together.

And Dodds - it was obvious why they were such close friends. They were very similar, both very eager, with high amounts of energy and always shooting off ideas. But he was fun, too, and they had a lot in common, not to mention their compatible sense of humor and taste for sports and video games.

“It was good,” he nodded. “The case is hard, but we’re making progress. And everyone’s so good, right? Like, everybody works so hard. No slacking around like in my old local precinct.”

“SVU’s an elite squad, not a lot of cops want to work there,” Rafael said. “But the ones who do are the best of the best.” 

Sonny preened. “Thanks. I haven’t seen you around at all, though. When do you come in?”

“When you’ve got a solid case for me to prosecute,” he shrugged. “Olivia keeps me posted about the investigations, but my services aren’t required at the early stages. Unless, of course, you need a warrant.”

Sonny considered it for a moment, and listened as Rafael went about setting the table. 

“Did you get the cannoli I sent?,” Rafael asked from the dining room.

He smiled. Rafael had sent him something every day around lunch time. On the first day it had been zeppole, then it was pastelitos, which Sonny did not remember ever trying, but were  _ delicious,  _ and just today he’d sent a box filled to the brim with cannoli. It was endearing.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “They were great. Thank you. It’s really helping with my popularity with the squad, too.”

Rafael shook his head with a fond look. “Don’t let those vultures steal your food, Sonny, or they’ll keep coming for more.”

Sonny laughed, then shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”

He heard Rafael mumble something that sounded like ‘eager puppy’, and laughed again. “I heard that!”

“Well, I said it out loud,” Rafael replied with a smirk. 

As Rafael finished setting the table, Sonny plated the food, watching the ADA come and go in easy struts, his hips swaying as he went. Sonny accidently burned the tip of his thumb thanks to being distracted by the view, but managed to play it off.

“Do you think I could shadow you again?,” Sonny asked, hopeful.

Rafael paused. “Sonny, you’ve already passed the bar.” 

“But I don’t remember anything!,” he argued frustratingly. “It would be like starting from zero.”

“I don’t know, we’re married now, there’s some conflict of interest there.” 

Sonny sagged. “Please? Can we at least try it? I don’t have to sit at the prosecution desk with you if you don’t want me to, but please?”

He made a show of looking at Rafael through his eyelashes, hoping his dimples looked deep enough for him to see. Bella called it his ‘puppy look’, and he hoped it’d have the effect he wanted on Rafael.

Rafael sighed. “Let me talk to McCoy first, okay? I don’t want to get an earful from him.”

Sonny raised an eyebrow at Rafael, surprised. “McCoy’s still the DA?”

He smiled when Rafael threw his head back in a loud laugh. 

“How old is he now? 150?,” he joked, hoping Rafael would keep laughing. The story Rafael told him about their first kiss a few nights ago made sense. He really did have a nice laugh. 

“Around 150, yes,” Rafael nodded, holding back new fits of laughter. 

Still smiling, Sonny served them dinner, and when they sat down, he decided to start on the subject of going to church.

“Rafael, I wanted to ask you something,” he started, shifting nervously. “Would you come to mass with me this Sunday?”

The ADA blinked at him, clearly surprised. Then, a small smile curved at the corner of his lips and he nodded. “Sure, if you’d like,” he said. 

Sonny leaned back into his chair, watching Rafael as he dug into his food with a casual disposition. Well, his carefully crafted speech wouldn’t be needed, then. 

“Do we go to church together often?,” he asked.

“Not really. I’ve been a couple times at your family’s insistence, but we have a Sunday routine where you go to Mass and I go to lunch with my mother,” Rafael explained. “Once a month, all of us meet for lunch.”

“Oh,” Sonny breathed. “Well, if you have to go have lunch with your mom, I understand. It’s fine.”

“Don’t worry, I can rearrange it so we can have lunch during the week,” he waved it off. “If you want me to go to mass with you, I’ll go. I guess you’ve spoken to Father Patrick?”

“Yeah, yeah. He’s been helping me with...,” Sonny shifted again. “My feelings.”

Rafael nodded. “That’s good. And Sonny, if you need to talk about it, I’m here. I’ve been there, you know, in the closet. I understand.”

“I’m not in the closet, though,” he chuckled. “I’m married to a man, and everybody knows that. It’s on my Instagram, on my Facebook, on my desk at work… it’s not a secret.”

“Yeah, I know, but it must still feel weird for you, right?,” Rafael offered sympathetically. 

“It did, at first,” Sonny considered. “But you know how straight people don’t have to come out? It’s like I suddenly woke up in a world where bisexual people don’t have to come out, either. Well, or least I don’t have to. Because I haven’t, everybody simply knows, and everyone’s okay with it. It’s not a bad reality, if you think about it.”

Rafael settled back into his chair, looking a little shocked. 

“I had to come to terms with something that I hadn’t accepted about myself yet in a world where everyone’s supportive of me,” he continued. “Where I’m loved, and where I’m allowed to be with another man with no shame. I don’t remember how it was the first time, but this time around, accepting myself wasn’t that hard.”

Sonny kept eating while Rafael stared at him, still looking surprised, but also a little relieved. He wondered if it was because the first time he came out was difficult for both of them - according to Father Patrick - or because Sonny  _ finally  _ accepted that he might be in love with a man. 

_ This _ man, sitting across from him, looking at him with big green eyes, still wearing his suspenders, which drove Sonny a little crazy. But he kept eating, giving whatever time Rafael needed to process what he had just said. 

Eventually, he shook himself and went back to eating, a small smile sitting permanently on his lips as he did. Sonny couldn’t help but steal a few glances at him. He was beautiful like this; his guard down, casual, relaxed. And the more time Sonny spent with him, the more it made sense why Sonny had asked Rafael to marry him.

Or was it Rafael who asked?

“Which one of us proposed?,” Sonny blurted out, and Rafael’s smile deepened. 

“You did,” he said. “On the night we celebrated two years together.”

“Okay, that sounds more romantic than the first kiss,” he considered, and Rafael laughed lightly. “What did I do?”

“You made us dinner, lit some candles, and put on music,” Rafael started, and Sonny could see how  _ in love _ he looked, and his heart sped up. “When we finished eating, you asked me to dance, and you started whispering in my ear how much you loved me, what our life together meant to you, and you said you never wanted to have to be without me.”

Rafael paused, looking away for a moment, and Sonny swallowed hard. Seeing the pain in Rafael’s face, he regretted asking in the first place, but he wanted to know. He needed to hear this. 

After a moment, Rafael looked up again with soft eyes. “So you got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and asked me to marry you.”

Sonny nodded, and looked down at his naked ring finger. He’d seen his wedding band in the master bedroom, and it had been too weird, then, but now it didn’t seem right that he didn’t have it on. Especially because Rafael had his.

“That was good,” he whispered. “Right?”

Rafael nodded with a sad smile that made Sonny’s heart weight down in his chest. “It was perfect, Sonny.” 

“I’m sorry that I can’t remember, Rafael,” Sonny said, his voice sounding heavy to his own ears. 

“It’s not your fault,” he replied, looking down at his food.

“I know. But I am sorry. I know this isn’t easy on you, and what you’re describing sounds amazing. I want to remember, I really do, but nothing’s come to me yet,” he sighed, frustrated. 

“Then I guess we’re going to have to make new memories, right?,” Rafael offered with a pained smile. 

“Yeah,” Sonny tried to smile back sincerely. “I’d like that.”

* * *

When Rafael said Sonny could look, he hadn’t anticipated just how much that invitation would bring. Because Sonny did look, whenever he got the chance, no matter where they were, or what Rafael was wearing, Sonny would just follow him with a sharp gaze that made him shudder. 

The tension had been growing, Rafael knew that. It was clear that Sonny found him attractive - he’d caught him checking out his ass way too many times not to know - and Rafael obviously thought Sonny was the most handsome man to walk this planet, so it wasn’t surprising that one could cut the air between them with a knife.

It was enerving, though. Rafael felt like his skin was being pulled taut whenever Sonny’s eyes ran down his body. And there was the one incident a couple days ago when Rafael came out of the bedroom in his silk pajamas just as Sonny came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel. 

Rafael was sure he had whimpered out loud at the sight, and Sonny had actively taken two steps towards him before he seemed to snap out of it and turned back on his way to the guest bedroom. It was frustrating, and truly maddening.

This was his husband, for Christ’s sake. He should be allowed to ogle and touch shamelessly, to explore Sonny’s body with his hands and lips. It’d been almost two weeks, and he felt like he was being  _ tortured _ .

Going to the precinct had definitely been helping him, and on Wednesday Sonny had visited his priest. That night, he came back home looking lighter. And there was his new mindset about his sexuality, about not needing to actually come out because everyone already knew. It had caught Rafael by surprise, but he couldn’t help but feel awed and relieved at how far Sonny had come in such a short time.

Now it was Friday, and that morning Rafael had suggested they go out to dinner, following their idea of making new memories. Sonny didn’t even hesitate when he agreed, and Rafael couldn’t help the giddy feeling in him as he made his way home, knowing Sonny was already there, waiting for him so they could go on a date.

But when he opened the door to their apartment, his heart broke and his anger rose so fast he was afraid he’d get heart palpitations. Because Sonny was sitting on the couch, and next to him was their next door neighbor. The young woman who repeatedly hit on him, with her hand caressing Sonny’s thigh, and a predator look on her face.

When she met Rafael’s eyes however, she quickly pulled her hand away, looking like a scalded toddler. Sonny, for his part, seemed very uncomfortable, and took Rafael’s arrival as an excuse to stand up.

“What are you doing here?,” Rafael hissed at Anne, who blinked rapidly, her face going red.

“I was just talking to Detective Carisi,” she stuttered, standing up. “I needed some sugar,” she picked up an empty mug that’d been left on the coffee table. “And he was--”

“Leave,” he interrupted, pointing at the door. “And don’t come knocking on that door again, do you hear me?”

“I’m sorry, I just--”

“Save it,” Rafael raised a hand to stop her. “If you ever come near my husband again, I’m going to sue you for harassment, am I being clear enough for you?”

The girl gaped at him, shocked and a little angry, but didn’t say anything else. She marched out of the apartment and slammed the door behind her. 

Rafael turned to Sonny, seething, to find the other man looking a little red himself. 

“What was that?,” Rafael asked through gritted teeth.

Sonny spluttered. “She said she needed sugar for something she was baking, I was just helping.”

Rafael shook his head. “Were you? How were you  _ helping _ her? The goddamn mug was empty.”

“I invited her in to go get it, and she started talking like we were friends. But I don’t know who she is, do I? I don’t remember shit, I wasn’t sure if she was a family member of yours, or a close friend, or a coworker, I don’t know,” Sonny said, running a hand through his hair like he wanted to pull it out.

“What  _ family member _ or  _ coworker _ do you treat like that, Carisi?,” he seethed. “Do you cuddle up with Rollins or Dodds like that? Does Bella feel you up like that?” 

Sonny raised both eyebrows at him. “Cuddle? We weren’t cuddling, Rafael, what the hell are you on about?

“That girl has been offering herself to you ever since the day we moved in. There’s always some excuse, her shower broke, or she ran out of flour, or she heard a noise by her window. She’s been relentless, even thought she knows you’re married.”

“I didn’t know that!,” Sonny protested. “She was being flirty, yeah, but I thought it’d be rude to tell her to leave.” 

Rafael laughed humourlessly. “You thought it would be rude, or were you enjoying the attention?”

The reality that he could lose Sonny had come crashing down on him again. Despite his immense progress, he could still very much decide that this gay relationship business was too much work and fly into the sunset with Miss Neighbor. 

Because this Sonny that was standing in the living room didn’t love Rafael. He felt  _ nothing _ for him. 

“Enjoying the attention?,” Sonny gaped. “Are you suggesting I’d cheat on you?”

“Cheat on me? How could cheat on me when we have nothing?,” he said, and felt tears burning in his eyes. “You don’t know me. I’m no better than a stranger to you, just like her. She’s pretty, young, and she’s clearly interested. Why wouldn’t you want that?”

“Because I’m married to you,” Sonny took a step closer to him, looking incredulous. “I may not remember much, Rafael, but I’m not a cheater. I know we have a commitment, I know we made vows, and I’m not here to play house with you, I’m here because I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t choose to be with you.”

Rafael shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself. “You don’t even know me.”

“But I do,” Sonny smiled tentatively. “I’ve seen and heard enough to know you’re remarkable, and kind, and caring, and one of the most amazing lawyers in all of the city.”

“Stop,” he sniffed, stepping away, but Sonny grabbed his arm. 

“No, you’re not going anywhere,” Sonny said fiercely. “I’m not done yet.”

“ _ I’m _ done. I can’t do this, Sonny. I’ve lost you. My husband is gone, and it’s too much. I thought I could handle it, but then I come home and see you sitting there with little Miss Perfect and it hit me, because you’d never invite her in, Sonny,” he shook his head. “ _ My husband _ would never invite her in, out of love and respect for me.”

“But I didn’t know,” he whispered, looking dejected.

“Exactly,” Rafael sniffed again, willing his tears away. “I’m going to pack and leave for tonight. We can figure out the rest later.”

“Rafael, don’t, please,” Sonny pleaded, shaking his head. “No, don’t leave. This is your apartment.”

“Not anymore,” he replied weakly as he turned towards the bedroom. Sonny kept calling his name, but he kept walking, feeling like the floor was about to give in under his feet.

When he finally closed the door behind himself, he let a couple tears fall down his face. Things had escalated quickly, and he knew he’d probably reacted badly, but he couldn’t handle the sight that had greeted him. 

No, Sonny would never let her in, he would never let her touch him. It’s true that he was too polite to tell her to cut it off and never come back, especially thanks to his ‘serve & protect’ ideals, but he’d never let her into their space. Their home was once sacred, and now it was tainted. 

And maybe it had been tainted for a while now, and Rafael just refused to believe it. Because the man walking around his home wasn’t the man he married. He had let a stranger in, hoping that stranger would somehow become the man he loved again. They might look the same, but this wasn’t his Sonny. 

Rafael sat at the end of the bed, his head in his hands, trying to breathe normally, but it kept coming out in sobs, his shoulders shaking with tremendous grief. He couldn’t keep up the fantasy anymore, he couldn’t keep talking about his marriage and pretend he had shared those moments with the person that was in his living room now.

Because that Sonny had never lived these moments, he had never felt what Rafael felt, he had never loved him. 

His Sonny was gone, and Rafael had to move on.

* * *

By the time Rafael was done packing, he had somewhat calmed down, and wondered if this was the best decision. He had promised to love Sonny through sickness and health, and wasn’t this a sickness? Wasn’t Sonny hurt, ill? Didn’t he need taking care of? Didn’t he need patience?

Sending him back to Staten Island wasn’t part of what Rafael had promised him, and if Sonny’s memories eventually came back, would they recover from that? Would Sonny forgive him for giving up and leaving? 

Rafael knew he wouldn’t forgive himself. 

So he unzipped his suitcase and looked inside, considering what to do. Perhaps he should call someone. Olivia, his mother, or Bella, someone who could talk to him through this. 

He caught sight of the ring on his finger, and thought back to the day Sonny put it there. The look in his eyes, his smiles, his emotional words. He remembered Sonny’s own promises, of not giving up on them, of always trying to be a better man for him. 

And wasn’t that what Sonny was doing? He was trying, Rafael saw it. He saw Sonny going through their pictures, he saw that Sonny was listening to him, learning about his likes and dislikes, apologizing when he made mistakes. He knew that it wasn’t easy for him to hear Rafael’s stories of the life he wants, but can’t reach. 

So shaking his head and calling himself an idiot, Rafael started pulling things out of the suitcase, throwing them on the bed, on the floor, back into the closet, until the suitcase was empty again. He zipped it closed, and just then there was banging on the door.

“Rafael,” Sonny called out. “I’m not letting you leave. We can talk about this, come on. Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’ll do better. If you just let me, tell me everything I need to know, I’ll stay up all night if I have to, just so I can know everything there is to know about us.”

Rafael couldn’t help but smile. The door wasn’t locked, but Sonny kept knocking instead of trying to open it. 

“I want to know everything,” he continued after a few more knocks. “Who wakes up first? Who falls asleep when we watch movies? Who cries the most? Who likes doing laundry?”

He snorted. “You, me, you, you. The door’s open, Sonny.”

After a small pause, the door started opening slowly, Sonny looking sheepish as he stuck his head in. “Can I come in?”

Rafael nodded and set his suitcase on the ground, sitting on the bed and patting the space beside him for Sonny to sit.

“I’m not leaving,” Rafael said, and Sonny let out a deep breath, visibly relaxing. “I’m sorry about that. I just-- It hit me where it hurts the most, I guess.”

Sonny nodded. “I understand. I know this isn’t easy on you, Rafael, but I want to make it easier for both of us. So just tell me what to do, please? I want to try.”

“You’re doing great already, I promise,” he offered a small smile. “Just please don’t let Anne in here again.” 

“I won’t, I swear. She made me really uncomfortable, actually,” he chuckled, embarrassed. “But after you said you’d sue her, I don’t think she’s gonna come back.”

Rafael smirked. “Good.”

Sonny blushed a little, and Rafael tilted his head. “It was…,” he cleared his throat, running his hands up and down his thighs nervously. “It was really hot, actually.” 

Rafael couldn’t hold back his laugh at that, remembering all the times Sonny got hot under the collar because Rafael threatened to sue someone. Some things really never changed, Rafael thought, and it was exhilarating. 

Then, when Rafael looked at Sonny again, a ghost of a smile still on his lips, the other man leaned in. On instinct, Rafael leaned in as well, and when their lips met, Rafael finally felt like he was home again. 

He couldn’t help it, he turned completely towards Sonny and buried his hand in Sonny’s hair, pulling lightly the way he knew Sonny liked. His reaction was immediate, and he hummed happily as he licked at Rafael’s bottom lip in a subtle request that Rafael didn’t even hesitate in complying. 

Their tongues met in the middle, and Rafael felt like he was floating away on some cloud. The taste of him, the smell of him, the feel of him, it was  _ his  _ Sonny. The way he wrapped an arm around Rafael’s waist to keep him there, and caressed his cheek with his free hand, tilting his head slightly for a better angle, it was his Sonny.

The way he groaned when he licked his way deeper into Rafael’s mouth, the way his body trembled when Rafael tightened his hold on him, it was all so familiar, he never wanted to let go.

And for a long time, they didn’t, barely breaking away for air. 

They missed their dinner reservation, but found something much better instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ~almost~ left this chapter on a cliffhanger, but I didn't want yall to hate me hahahaha let me know what you think of their fight and the aftermath, please! This chapter was so important, I'd love to hear from you
> 
> Also, could we take this story to 100 kudos?? That would be AWESOME! 
> 
> Next chapter: Sonny remembers. See you wednesday!! <3 <3 <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank Kate for helping me figure out how Sonny's memories would come back, and for sharing a couple of prayers with me.
> 
> Father Patrick's speech in this chapter comes from a mix of existent proverbs and psalms -- I'm not acquainted enough with Catholic sermons to write it from the top of my head, so I took inspiration from Bible verses. 
> 
> Enjoy!

On Sunday morning, Rafael found himself trapped against the kitchen counter, Sonny keeping him there with his hands weighing heavily on his lower back as they kissed for what felt like an hour. 

That had been a new addition to their weekend: excessive kissing - and Rafael wasn’t about to complain after going almost two weeks without so much as a touch from Sonny. So he welcomed him every time the other man pulled him closer, pushed him against a wall, or kept him trapped on their couch. 

Rafael was sure he had about three love bites on his neck by now and a constant thoroughly kissed look on his face. It was like they were teenagers again, incapable of keeping their hands - and lips - to each other.

However, on Saturday, they had dedicated a lot of time to going through pictures and talking about their history, at Sonny’s insistence. He said he even wanted to know about the fights, but Rafael was happy to report there weren’t any.

“There’s a lot of bickering and banter, and a couple disagreements here and there, but not really any fights,” he had said, to which Sonny didn’t seem that surprised. “To be honest, I think last night was our very first  _ actual _ fight.” 

“Let’s not repeat that,” Sonny said with a chuckle. “I was about to handcuff you to the apartment.”

Rafael smirked. “Kinky,” he teased, and laughed when Sonny blushed a deep pink.

It had been a good night, but a couple times he had caught Sonny looking wistful, staring at pictures with heavy shoulders, and Rafael’s heart ached for him. 

But those little hiccups seemed to be forgotten now, with Sonny’s arms around him, Sonny’s lips on his neck. Rafael smiled, eyes closed, letting him nip and suck away as he wished. 

“Is this what Father Patrick told you to do when you went to see him?,” Rafael teased, running his hand down Sonny’s back. 

Sonny chuckled, pressing warm kisses to his skin. “I can’t believe you want to talk about my priest when I’m about to give you a hickey.” 

“Well, it’s the only way to talk to you since you’ve decided to become a vampire. It’s Sunday, and we’re about to go to mass, do you not think people are gonna notice your little artwork?”

Sonny pulled away, and Rafael held back his protest to shoot at him a long look. “They might,” he shrugged. “I don’t care. Everybody knows we’re married.”

“They do,” Rafael nodded with a little smirk. “But are you sure you’re ready to reveal your blood-sucking habits to the world?”

“You’re awful,” Sonny rolled his eyes affectionately. “Fine, let’s go.” 

“No, we still have time,” he pulled Sonny back to kiss him a little longer, the other man smiling against his lips. 

Rafael was too happily distracted by the amazing things Sonny could do with his tongue to notice his hands ever  _ so slowly _ moving downwards until he grabbed two handfuls of Rafael’s ass and groaned loudly, from deep within his chest.

He pulled away to raise an eyebrow at Sonny. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but we do not have time for  _ that _ .” 

“We can skip mass this weekend,” Sonny whispered, his eyes glassy.

Rafael couldn’t help but shiver a little. Sonny’s hand were still on his ass, after all. “No, sir. We’re going. So we better get moving, and you can’t drive if you’ve got your hands busy there.”

Sonny huffed, annoyed, but pulled away after giving Rafael’s ass a little pat. He chuckled, pushing Sonny out of the kitchen and towards the door, collecting their phones, wallets and keys as they went. 

“There’s one thing we didn’t talk about last night,” Sonny said once they were in the car.

“Really?,” Rafael frowned, thinking. “I thought we covered most of it.”

Sonny shook his head. “Do we have sex a lot?” 

Rafael looked at him with an eyebrow raised, surprised. “I don’t know what you mean by ‘a lot’,” he chuckled. “But I’d say we have a healthy, creative sex life.” 

“Hm. Like how creative? Handcuffs and plugs and stuff?,” he asked, and Rafael smirked at how husky his voice sounded. 

“Something like that,” he said cryptically. He and Sonny had tried many a kink, but now was probably not the best time to list everything.

There was a pause, and Sonny shifted back into the carseat. “How many times a week?” 

Rafael held back a laugh, trying to sound casual as he replied. “It depends on how much work we’ve got going on, but I’d say every day if it’s a good week, two or three times if it’s a really bad one.” 

“Every day?!,” Sonny gaped, then swallowed thickly. “That sounds… good. Really good. Great.” 

“We are  _ very  _ compatible,” his smirk deepened, and he threw Sonny a wink. 

Sonny didn’t say anything else for a while, and Rafael thought maybe he had satiated his curiosity, but then when they reached a red light, he looked at Rafael with a fascinated glint in his eyes.

“Who tops?,” he asked, and Rafael did laugh this time, shaking his head amusedly. 

“We’re not exclusive to positions, but I’d have to say you do more often than me,” Rafael said with a dreamy sigh for extra effect. 

Sonny’s eyes widened. “You like that?”

“Very much so,” he nodded, looking sly. 

Sonny licked his lips and shifted again, watching as the red light turned green. “How was our first time?” 

“A few days after our first kiss, you invited me for dinner at your place. You said you’d cook if I brought a nice wine,” Rafael smiled fondly at the memory. Sonny had looked a little shy back then, his cheeks flushed, much like they were now. “Let’s just say we didn’t eat any food that night.”

“Yeah? And what did we do?,” Sonny breathed, throwing Rafael a quick, interested look.

“We… had sex,” he teased. “What, you want details?”

Sonny shrugged, and Rafael could see that his neck was going pink, too. “I mean, it might help me remember.” 

Rafael tilted his head with an eyebrow raised. “Is that so? Or are you just really horny?” 

“Can you blame me?,” Sonny grunted, tightening his hold on the steering wheel. “You just said we used to have sex every day, so it’s really not surprising that I feel like I’m losing my mind every time I look at you. I’m living with a very attractive guy, and I might not remember much about our relationship, but my eyes,  _ and my dick _ , are working just fine.” 

“That’s cute,” Rafael snorted, very amused by Sonny’s sudden bolt of sexual frustration. “This is really the conversation I wanted to have before we go into church with your family. Anything else you’d like to ask? How many inches I’ve got, maybe?”

Sonny swallowed, looking sheepish. “I mean…”

“Absolutely not,” he shook his head, looking away so Sonny wouldn’t see that he was holding back his laughter. 

“Okay, okay,” Sonny chuckled. “But we’re gonna talk more about this later, rest assured.”

“Are you saying that while your preacher is blessing his church and asking God to look over you, you’re going to be thinking about filth things you want to ask me?,” Rafael provoked, giving him his best version of his bedroom eyes outside of the bedroom.

Sonny groaned in frustration, looking at Rafael with wide eyes. “ _ Now _ I will!”

Rafael threw his head back, laughing, and soon Sonny joined him.

* * *

“Rafael!,” Father Patrick greeted as soon as they stepped inside the church. “It’s so good to see you again. I keep telling Sonny to bring you along but he seems to only want to keep you to himself.”

He looked at Sonny, amused. “He’s possessive like that.”

Father Patrick laughed, nodding, then turned to Sonny. “Sonny, how are you?”

“I’m good,” he smiled, wrapping an arm around Rafael’s waist and pulling him closer. “Everything’s going fine.”

“I’m very glad to hear,” the preacher said with a beaming smile at the two of them. He patted Sonny on the shoulder with a proud look on his face. “I’d like you two to sit closer to the front today.”

“I did not wake up extra early today just to sit in the back,” Rafael joked, and Sonny snorted. “I want first row seats.”

“Very well, I’ll make sure to save you some,” Father Patrick guaranteed, then waved Rafael over. “Rafael, could I speak with you for a minute?”

Sonny frowned, not happy to let go of his hold on Rafael, but did so when the other man nodded and looked at Sonny with a small smile before following the preacher. He knew they were going to talk about him, and it made him shift uncomfortably where he stood, watching them go to another corner of the room.

“Little brother!,” came Bella’s high-pitched greeting from behind him, and Sonny turned on the spot to open up his arms for her. “I missed your gangly arms.”

“Aw,” he cooed. “Looking down at your own wasn’t enough?”

Bella punched him lightly in the stomach, and he giggled with a small puff of breath that escaped him. “Shut up. How have you been? I heard you’re back at SVU?!”

“Yeah, mostly desk work, but beats staying home alone,” Sonny shrugged. “I’m feeling great. Still want my memories back, but things aren’t bad, you know.”

“So you and Rafael are getting along, then?,” she asked eagerly, then hummed knowingly when his face heated up. “What have you been up to, Sonny? You getting it on with your husband again?”

“Stop,” he whined, making a gesture for her to keep her voice down. “We’re… having a good time, okay? I like him a lot.  _ A lot _ , a lot.”

Bella giggled, poking at his chest as she sang, “Sonny and Rafael, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s--”

“Bella,” Rafael greeted, approaching the two with sure steps. Father Patrick had stayed behind, talking to someone else.

“Rafael!,” she gasped, looking at Sonny with an offended expression. “You ass, weren’t you gonna tell me he came?!” 

“You didn’t give me a chance!,” he protested, rolling his eyes at her, then turned to Rafael with a little smile. “Everything okay?”

“Of course,” he smiled back for a moment, then looked at Bella. “Where’s the rest of the group?”

“Late, what do you think?,” Bella huffed. “We live the furthest away, but we always get here first, I don’t get it.”

“Stop your whining, Bella,” Gina called behind her, a line of Carisis following, wishing everyone good mornings and bless yous. “We’re here.” 

“Rafael!,” Tessa called, and made a beeline to hug him. Sonny couldn’t help the flood of fondness in his chest as he watched Rafael open his arms to her, hugging her with a kind smile. “It’s so good to see you, my darling. How have you been?”

“Geez, ma,” Sonny joked. “I thought  _ I  _ was your only son.” 

“Are you jealous, baby brother?,” Theresa teased as she came up to hug him, patting him on the back with more force than necessary. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, kissing her cheek. “I’m good.” 

Tessa was still coddling Rafael, so he went to greet his father, Gina and Mia, getting a tight hug from each and teary eyes from his niece. 

“I’m so sorry, uncle Sonny,” she whispered against his chest. He hadn’t seen Mia ever since the accident, and it was very odd to see that the kid he had in mind was now an adult. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I’m fine, Mia,” Sonny kissed her hair. “I’m more than fine, okay? Don’t worry about me.” 

Just then Tommy walked in with Emilia in his arms, but the girl immediately caught sight of Sonny and let out an excited squeal so loud it echoed through the entire church and everyone turned to look at them. 

“Yeah, she’s definitely a Carisi,” Tommy joked with a wince. 

Sonny laughed, reaching for the little girl, who was already squirming in her father’s arms. “We do know how to make an entrance, don’t we, Em?” 

The little girl giggled, reaching for Sonny’s nose and garbling nonsense at him. As he tried to make conversation with her, Sonny found himself wondering if he and Rafael had ever discussed the topic of having kids. 

They’d been together for four years, married for almost two, it must have come up at some point. He had no idea if they could ever manage with their work schedule, but the idea of having a little one who looked like a miniature version of him or Rafael did have its appeal.

He made a mental note to ask about it later. 

“Sonny,” his mother approached with a big smile. “It’s so good to see you, and I’m so happy you brought Rafael along.” 

Sonny looked over at the other man, who had now been accosted by his dad and Theresa, but seemed to take it in stride with no reservation. “I thought it could help, you know. Seeing him in a familiar environment.”

“Does it?,” Tessa asked softly.

It did. Not with his memory loss, but with the way he felt for Rafael. It was like his heart was growing twice its side as Rafael turned from one Carisi to the other like they were his own family, laughing easily and taking their over-affectionate disposition in stride.

At one point Mia approached with a watery smile and hugged him. Then, instead of completely letting her go, Rafael kept her beside him, one arm around her shoulders. Mia cuddled up to his side, and it looked so natural Sonny realized this was, indeed, Rafael’s family as well. He had married into it and the Carisis, being the way they were, had accepted him with no reservations. 

“Sonny,” his mother called, looking at him with her eyes so full of emotion he thought she was going to start crying at any point. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Sonny nodded, caressing Emilia’s back as she laid her head on his shoulder. “It helps, ma.”

“That’s great,” Tessa smiled. “Now let’s go, people are taking their seats. You might want to return Emilia to Bella, she starts squirming and kicking 20 minutes in.” 

Sonny chuckled and looked around for his sister, but once again found himself distracted by Rafael talking animatedly with his father, Mia watching him with open admiration. 

His heart sped up, and Sonny wasn’t surprised nor scared to realize just how easily it would be for him to fall in love with this man. 

If he was being honest with himself, he was halfway there already.

When their eyes met across the room, Sonny smiled, and Rafael smiled back.

* * *

Sonny loved listening to Father Patrick’s sermons, not only because he always sounded so devoted and inspired, but because he was fun, and he was very conscientious of the fact that not everyone in the church was straight or in a straight relationship. 

Rafael seemed to be enjoying himself as well, if his laughs were enough of a hint. He’d glance at Sonny here and there, smiling softly. Sonny would wink at him in return, feeling as giddy as a teenager on a date with their first crush. 

They prayed and sang, stood up and kneeled, and Rafael went with the motions without so much as a frown. To Sonny, that meant more than he could put into words. He knew that, for someone lapsed, these rituals didn’t mean anything, and often seemed nonsensical and bothersome. 

But the ADA went with it, even repeating the words after the preacher’s prayers. 

“No one has ever seen God,” Father Patrick was saying. “But if we love one another, God lives in us. And His love is made complete in each one of you.  _ Love _ ,” he sighed dramatically. “That’s the greatest thing we as humans could ever experience. We’re all here this morning because of your bonds of love. Love for Him, for this church, love for your families, love for the ones sitting next to you.”

Sonny noticed that Rafael glanced at him, and when he turned his head to return the look, the only thing he saw in Rafael’s eyes was, indeed, love. He had come today, he had accepted Sonny’s invitation, he was sitting there beside him, because Rafael loved Sonny.

“What are we if not made of love? Made  _ to  _ love?,” the priest paced the altar, looking up. “And what is love without our virtues? Humility, gentleness, kindness, patience. All of that is love.”

Sonny closed his eyes, Father Patrick’s words echoing all around him. It was comforting, familiar. 

“Bear to be virtuous, bear to love one another, to stand with each other. Bear to look at those who surround you and fill them with love. Do  _ everything  _ in the name of true love,” the preacher said, and Sonny felt his head swim for a second. “It’s true love that will stand by you, true love perseveres through the challenges we face, through the rocks in our paths.”

Sonny took a deep breath, Father Patrick’s voice sounding like a distant echo that surrounded him. His head felt heavy, and he felt like lying down, but still, he wanted to hold on until the end. He wanted to hear his preacher’s words, he wanted to hold Rafael’s hand through the closing prayer.

He heard Rafael’s voice, then, so full of emotion. “You are my one true love, Sonny. And when we find rocks in our path, I promise to stand by you, with you, I promise to persevere.”

Sonny remembered how the pair of beautiful green eyes had filled with tears, looking up at him full of devotion. The room full of people who loved them, their mothers crying, the ring that Rafael put on his finger, the way Sonny whispered ‘I love you’ before he kissed him.

He remembered flying through the roads from Portugal to Spain, trying to decipher the signs in Portuguese while Rafael laughed at his pronunciation. He remembered arriving in Torino, the beautiful city where his grandparents had lived, the place they’d left behind to give their family a better life. 

Sonny remembered a close call that gave him a scar on his shoulder, he remembered Rafael’s distress, he remembered promising he would never, ever, be that reckless ever again. 

He remembered the pain in Rafael’s eyes. So much pain, so much sorrow. He remembered his own rejection, his own disbelief, his discomfort at the idea of loving this man. This beautiful, amazing man, with the most amazing laugh he had ever heard, so kind, so compassionate. 

Sonny remembered looking at the man he had given his life to and asking ‘who are you?’ and the devastated look he got in response. He remembered Rafael hugging himself, so scared, stepping away from Sonny, turning away from him; out of reach. 

And then he was crying, sobbing, his shoulders shaking. 

Because he remembered everything, and the grief and guilt he felt were consuming him too fast, all at once, with memories of the kisses they shared, their praises, the declarations of love. The easy intimacy, the companionship, the support. 

He cried because he had almost lost all of it. He almost,  _ almost _ forgot that Rafael Barba was his one true love. 

“Sonny?,” Rafael called, his voice a little panicked. “Sonny, are you okay? What’s happened? Are you in pain? Love, please, talk to me. Can you look at me?”

“Raf,” he sobbed, grabbing the other man’s shirt and pulling him closer, sobbing into his chest. “I can’t breathe.” 

“Lift your head, love, come on, lay down for a second,” he heard Rafael said softly, but he couldn’t let go. 

There were other voices, his mom, maybe, and the priest, some whispers and worried murmurs, but the sobs kept coming and getting louder and louder. 

It took all the strength in him to lift his head from Rafael’s chest, but he needed to look at him. He needed to see him, to make sure he was really here, that it wasn’t over. 

“I’m so sorry,” Sonny said when he finally looked into Rafael’s eyes. “Baby, I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry.”

Rafael blinked, mouth agape. “Sonny?” 

Another sob escaped him. He couldn’t believe the pain he’d put this man through, this man who looked at him with so much love in his eyes, who held him so carefully, who cared for him despite everything. 

Sonny took Rafael’s face between his hands and kissed his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his temples, his chin, his jaw, everywhere he could between sobs, until he felt like he could breathe again. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again and again. “Raf, I love you. I love you so much and I’m so sorry that I almost forgot that.”

There were tears in Rafael’s eyes now, too, but he was smiling. “You remember?”

“Yeah,” Sonny breathed, nodding. “I remember that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I remember that you don’t like sugar in your coffee, and that your pink tie is your favorite. I remember that you have lunch with Lucia on Sundays but you came here today because I asked. You came with me because you love me.”

Rafael nodded, grabbing both of Sonny’s wrists tightly. “I do. I love you. I thought I lost you.”

“You’ll never lose me,” he promised fiercely, pulling Rafael into a kiss right there, under the worried eyes of every single person who had attended mass that Sunday.

Under Father Patrick’s blessings, his parents’ praises, his sisters’ tears and his nieces’ claps, he kissed Rafael like he never intended on stopping himself ever again. 

“Let’s go home,” Rafael whispered against Sonny’s lips. 

“I’m home, Raf,” he said, nudging their noses together. “ _ You _ are home for me.”

Sonny  _ finally  _ found his way back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE'S BACK! :D I can't believe we finally got here! This has been a journey, right??
> 
> Well, it isn't over yet. I wrote one more chapter because I wanted them to discuss some of the things that happened while Sonny had amnesia. So see you Friday!!
> 
> Thank you all for over 100 kudos, for making this fic my most subscribed one, and the second most commented (how about we make it THE MOST commented?? *wink wink*). Let me know how you feel about this chapter, and your thoughts on this journey!! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Rafael talk about the accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we've reached the end of this story, wow. I want to thank all of you who were a part of this from the very start, before I even began outlining this story, and voted on every poll I put up.
> 
> That, to me, is one of the best things about writing these stories; seeing all the other fans of this pairing participating because we all just care about them so much really warms my heart. THANK YOU. 
> 
> Now enjoy the last chapter!! <3 I love you

The ride back home was silent save for the occasional sniff and whispered ‘I love you’. They had a lot to talk about, Rafael knew, but he also knew they were both very overwhelmed by the current events and needed some time. Sonny to fully process what had happened and Rafael to get acquainted with the idea that this was the Sonny he married again, not the stranger he’d been living with the past two weeks. 

Just as it had seemed surreal for Rafael to have suddenly been forgotten by him, it was also odd to be remembered again. However, this Sonny already looked different from the person who had been living with him. Although he looked a little tired, he seemed more relaxed, more confident, happier. 

And when they reached a stop sign and he looked at Rafael, his face was transformed into one of pure love, light, and devotion. Sonny looked at him as if Rafael was something precious, something to be worshiped, something valuable. Rafael had never realized just how particular and open that look was, because it had always been there.

Until it wasn’t, that is. 

It ached deep within his chest to think about how much he had  _ missed  _ this, how much he had missed reaching over to take Sonny’s hand. How much he had missed saying he loved him and being met with a look of recognition instead of trepidation. 

When they got home, Rafael let Sonny cross the threshold into their home first. He looked around with a little smile, then sighed happily. He continued towards their bedroom, and Rafael followed him a few steps behind. 

Once he reached the bed, Sonny threw himself on it with a little grunt, crawling over to Rafael’s side and burying his face in his pillow. Rafael watched him, laughing to himself. 

“I missed this bed,” Sonny said, turning his face and settling in with a smile. 

Then, he caught sight of his own bedside table and his smile dropped, being replaced by an indignant scowl. He shook his head, sitting up to reach for his wedding ring and looking at it with clear disappointment. 

Sonny looked up at Rafael. “I’m so sorry, Raf.” 

Rafael felt his throat close up, so he only nodded in response and tried to offer his husband a comforting smile. 

“Can you put it back on me?,” he asked with big eyes, offering Rafael the ring and his hand. “Please?”

As if Rafael would ever deny him that. 

So he got up on the bed on his knees, then sat next to Sonny, taking the ring and his hand with a shaky breath. Rafael looked up at Sonny, and his eyes filled with tears for what felt like the tenth time that day. 

“You have made me happier than I ever thought possible, and I could never have imagined loving someone as much as I love you,” Rafael started, his voice filled with emotion as he repeated his wedding vows. “You brought out the best in me, you’ve made me want to deserve your kindness, your compassion, your gentleness, and earn those beautiful, beautiful dimpled smiles,” he paused to chuckle when Sonny’s face split into a radiant smile. “You are my one true love, Sonny, and wherever you go, I’ll follow. And when we find rocks in our path, I promise to stand by you, with you, I promise to persevere, and I promise to show you, every single day of my life, how lucky I am to have you beside me.”

Rafael placed the wedding band back onto its rightful place and Sonny immediately pulled him into a wet kiss. 

“Thank you,” Sonny whispered, resting their foreheads together. “Thank you for not giving up on us, Rafael. Thank you for taking care of me. Never, ever, no matter what happens, think that I don’t love you with every breath that leaves my body, with every beat of my heart. You, Rafael Barba, are the love of my life.” 

He let out a small sob as the tears he was holding fell. 

Sonny pulled him down against his chest, and they stayed in bed, tangled together. 

* * *

Rafael must have fallen asleep at some point, because when he opened his eyes again, the sun wasn’t streaming directly through their window anymore, and he was laying on Sonny’s chest with one arm and one leg around him. He shifted slightly, tightening his hold on Sonny. 

The other man was running his fingers lightly up and down Rafael’s back, holding his phone with the other hand as he tried his best to type with only one thumb. 

He looked down at Rafael when he moved, smiling adoringly at him in a way that made Rafael’s heart jump for joy.

“Hey there, Counselor,” Sonny said softly. “You had a good rest?”

Rafael hummed. “How long was I out for?”

“Couple hours,” he set his phone down so he could caress Rafael’s cheek. “I fell asleep too, woke up about twenty minutes ago.” 

“I guess we needed that,” Rafael chuckled. 

“For sure. Are you hungry? I was thinking we could order some Thai and eat in bed.”

“I like that idea, as long as you don’t get anything on our very expensive sheets,” Rafael mumbled against Sonny’s chest, rubbing his face against one his pecs. 

“I’ll get myself a bib,” he joked as he picked up his phone again and opened Uber Eats.

As Sonny ordered, Rafael closed his eyes for another minute, breathing in Sonny’s natural scent. It was warm and sweet, something that reminded him of honey.

“I’ve been talking to Liv,” Sonny said after he ordered, shifting slightly so he could turn towards Rafael and wrap both his arms around him. “She said I don’t have to go in tomorrow, but I think I will anyway.” 

“Why? You deserve a few days to rest after everything,” he argued, running his fingers through Sonny’s chest hair. 

“I don’t wanna be home alone all day. And I already feel like I’ve had more than enough rest,” he sighed. “I’ve barely been useful this past week, and the week before I didn’t even show my face around the place.”

“Because you were hurt, Sonny,” Rafael protested, leaning back a little to look up at him. “You weren’t on a breezy vacation, love. You were recovering.”

“I know, but it still beats looking at the walls all day.” 

“What if I stay home, too?,” he offered. “I haven’t taken on any new cases ever since the accident, and at this point I’m just dodging calls from Rita and Buchanan until the trial dates.”

“Yeah? You think you could?,” Sonny asked excitedly. “I can think of a thing or two we can do on our day off.” 

Rafael smirked, leaning in to kiss him. “I’m sure you can.”

The hand Rafael was keeping on Sonny’s chest went up his neck and into his hair on instinct, messing the grey strands even more. Sonny hummed against his lips, pulling Rafael closer as he flicked his tongue deeper into his mouth. 

When Rafael felt short for breath, he moved from his husband’s lips to his neck, biting lightly and sucking bruises along his collarbone. Above him, Sonny sighed contentedly. 

“I have a confession to make,” Sonny said breathlessly. Rafael hummed for him to continue, but didn’t stop feasting on the pale expanse of Sonny’s neck. “You remember those pictures I took of you? That you like to call my nude stash?”

Rafael paused, pulling back to look at Sonny’s face. He was flushed, looking a little sheepish. 

“Yes, I do,” he replied, narrowing his eyes. “And the next words out of your mouth better be ‘I deleted them’ or we’re getting a divorce.”

Sonny chuckled. “I did not delete them. In fact, I  _ found them _ last week.”

“Oh my god,” Rafael breathed. Suddenly a lot of Sonny’s behaviour the past week made sense. “Is that why you’ve been staring at my ass so much?”

“I mean, yes, but how could I not? You have the best ass.”

“Dominick, I swear to God,” he grunted, running a hand over his face. “You’re telling me this past week you’ve been looking at naked pictures of me on your phone?” 

“I’m sorry!,” Sonny said urgently. “But it made me think that I do have to delete them because I don’t want strangers looking at what’s mine.”

Rafael rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. “You’re unbelievable.”

Sonny giggled. “But you love me.”

“Christ help me, I do,” he shook his head, still not quite believing that the man had been in the guest room looking at nude pictures of him as if they weren’t married. 

“So, what do you say I get reacquainted with it?,” Sonny said suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I say,” Rafael whispered, leaning in to brush his lips against Sonny’s. “In your dreams.”

With a huff, he sat up and threw his legs off the bed, standing up before Sonny could react properly and pull him back.

“Baby, come on,” Sonny whined, making grabby hands at him. “I said I’m sorry, but don’t you think it’s romantic that I can’t resist you no matter the circumstances?!”

“I  _ think  _ I’m going to sue your next three generations, Carisi,” Rafael was joking, but he made sure to keep his expression stony and his voice even, glaring at his husband. 

Sonny groaned loudly. “You know I find it hot when you say you’re gonna sue!,” he pouted. “This is torture. I’ll delete the pictures, I promise I will.” 

“You said that months ago when you took them,” he pointed out, then reached for his belt and started undoing it. “Why should I believe you now?”

“Because I--,” Sonny swallowed, keeping rapid attention on Rafael’s hands. “Because. I was looking at them.” 

Rafael smirked, pulling his belt off, then undoing the buttons on his pants and pulling the zipper down. “But you’re my husband. You can look.” 

“Yes, I can look,” he parroted, blinking. “I’m your husband.”

“But you have to delete the pictures, Sonny,” Rafael said, pulling his pants down just a little, revealing the waistband of his boxers.

“What pictures?,” Sonny asked distractedly, keeping his eyes on Rafael’s crotch. 

“Carisi!,” Rafael called, pulling his pants back up and snapping his fingers. He was having way too much fun with this, and the way Sonny shook himself then pouted almost made him laugh out loud. 

Sonny groaned. “Baby, please, I’ll delete them. Why do I need pictures when I’ve got the real thing, right?”

“Exactly,” he smirked. 

The other man sat up, making to reach for Rafael, but the ADA shook his head and took a step back. He pulled his pants down completely, pulling them off and standing there in his black underwear and black shirt. 

“Raf, can I--?,” Sonny asked, licking his lips.

“No. I’m going to take a shower, and you’re going to stay right there. Our food will be here any minute,” Rafael teased and reached for his phone, turning around and making his way to the bathroom.

“Raf!,” Sonny called after him. “Can I join you? Rafael!”

With a big grin, Rafael closed the door behind himself. He had no intention of denying his husband for the rest of the night, or even for the next ten minutes, he’d just missed the teasing and provoking that came with being with Sonny. It made finally giving himself to him just a tad more delicious.

And because Rafael really was an asshole, he stripped and stood in front of the mirror, turning to take a picture. 

He sent it to Sonny without a caption, waiting by the door to hear his reaction. He heard a ping as the picture was delivered, then, a beat after, Sonny’s frustrated growl and the sound of him flailing on the bed.

“Rafael!,” he whined loudly. Rafael laughed.

“You better delete that one, too!,” Rafael called back through the door. 

When he caught sight of himself in the mirror again, he wasn’t surprised by the growing smile on his face.

* * *

Rafael sighed happily as he set his empty container on the bedside table and snuggled up to Sonny, pressing a kiss to his shoulder as he did so. Sonny was still eating, but it didn’t stop Rafael from wrapping his arms around him. 

He just couldn’t help the insane need to touch him, be close to him. The two weeks he’d spent being deprived of that had caught up with him now that he could do it again freely. 

“Are you okay?,” Sonny asked after another bite of his food. 

“Never better,” Rafael smiled at him. 

“I think we need to talk about something,” he said sourly, setting his own container aside and turning in Rafael’s arms. “I want to apologize about Anne.”

Rafael felt an instant pang in his chest at the reminder of last Friday, of almost giving up. 

He shook his head. “I’m the one who should apologize--”

“No, Rafael,” Sonny interrupted. “Listen to me. Your reaction was more than understandable. I shouldn’t have let her in when I didn’t know who she was. I’m a cop, for Christ’s sake. I should know better. And I’m also a married man, I should have told her to keep her hands away from me.” 

Well, Rafael couldn’t disagree with any of that, but he also felt like he’d been unfair. Still, Sonny shook his head when he opened his mouth to say just that.

“I don’t blame you for wanting to leave,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t have let you, though. The whole time you were in here, packing, I was in the living room trying to come up with a plan to make you stay. I really would have handcuffed you if it came to it.”

Rafael chuckled despite himself, resting his forehead on Sonny’s shoulder. 

“But I couldn’t let you leave, not when I was just beginning to understand what I felt for you,” Sonny smiled, kissing his temple. “Father Patrick had told me to stop fighting what was in my heart, even though my mind couldn’t quite keep up. And my love for you was still there, Raf. I still loved you, I just couldn’t comprehend it.” 

When Sonny had said earlier that it was romantic he couldn’t resist Rafael, he thought he’d been joking and being dramatic for effect, but when he lifted his head to look at his husband now, Rafael could see that it was true, that those feelings went deeper than either of them could even begin to understand.

“And I’m so sorry I almost ruined everything,” Sonny continued, sighing. “I’d never have forgiven myself if I did. I always knew you were the one for me, I always knew how kind, thoughtful, and sincere you are. This whole experience, despite being unfair to either of us that we’d have to go through something like that, served to remind me of just how right we are together.”

Rafael reached for Sonny’s face, caressing his cheek. Sonny’s arms tightened around him.

“And I’m so thankful for you, Rafael. I’m so thankful for everything you did for me when we met for the first time, then the second time,” he chuckled. “And I’m so sorry for all the pain I put you through, and I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

Now it was Rafael’s turn to shake his head. “I don’t want you to carry that burden with you forever, love. It was nobody’s fault. It was an unfortunate event, and now we have to move past this, okay? I don’t hold anything against you. It wasn’t  _ you _ , you weren’t  _ my  _ husband. You were someone from 9 years ago who probably wouldn’t have been my biggest fan if we’d met then.” 

Sonny chuckled. “Maybe if I had known you then I wouldn’t have been so miserable all the time.”

He paused for a moment, and Rafael took the chance to lean in and kiss him lightly, enjoying the soft press of their lips together, not trying to turn it into anything else. The raw intimacy of the action alone made Rafael’s heart sing.

“If you think about it, I might have forgotten 9 years of my life there for a moment, but with that, you’ve changed my past,” Sonny said, sounding a little awed. “Now there’s a whole other universe in my head where we met all those years ago, and I still fell in love with you.”

Rafael smiled. “That’s a nice way to look at it.”

“Do you forgive me?,” Sonny asked in a small voice, running his fingers along Rafael’s jaw. His eyes looked so big and bright, Rafael couldn’t help but take a second to just look at him.

“Of course I do, love,” he promised with a nod. “As long as you promise me my forgiveness will take away all your guilt.” 

Sonny sighed. “Maybe not immediately, but with a little time.” 

Rafael knew Sonny would have to talk to Dodds about what had happened, he’d have to listen to Olivia’s own apology, he’d have to see that Rafael wouldn’t hold any of it against him before he could start to move on.

“Do you remember the accident?,” Rafael asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I remember fearing for Mike’s life, I remember how scared the victim looked, I remember hitting the coffee table. I even remember the small dog running into the living room.”

“Do you think you’re going to be okay going back in the field?” 

Sonny thought about it for a moment. “I’m gonna have to try.” 

“You know, you remember law school now, you could consider putting your degree to use,” Rafael offered as casually as he could. They had talked about it before, and although Sonny never shut the idea down, he never seemed to truly consider it.

“I’m gonna be very honest with you, Rafael,” he started softly. “It’s not the field work I’m worried about. What happened to me could have happened to Mike, or Amanda, or even Liv. It’s a risk that we take while doing our jobs. It’s the thought that I could have lost what we have that scares me the most, because that’s not something I’m willing to risk.”

“You wouldn’t have lost me, though,” Rafael assured him. He didn’t want to pressure Sonny into going into law. Rafael would never be able to bear it if he left the force because of him then regretted it.

“I’m sure, but our marriage is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t believe I could ever forget that day, or our vows, or not want to wear my wedding ring,” he said, almost panicked. 

“But you didn’t forget. Well, maybe for a couple weeks,” he sighed. “But here we are now, and everything’s going to be okay, Sonny. I promised. You don’t have to decide anything right now, love. Just please consider that you have other options.”

Sonny nodded. “And my choice will always be you, Rafael. You know that, right?”

“Of course, my self-sacrificing hero,” he joked with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “But I want you to be happy.”

“I am,” he said fiercely with a grin. “I have the man of my dreams right here with me, and I’ve been recently reminded that for a very long time I thought I’d never have that, so I’m very intent in keeping him close to me at all times.” 

Rafael smiled. “Yeah? How close?”

Sonny smirked and wrapped his other arm around Rafael’s back, pulling him in against his chest. “As close as possible.” 

“I don’t know,” he tutted. “I think I can think of a way we could get even closer.”

“I like the way you think,” Sonny said, his voice low as he pressed his face against Rafael’s neck and inhaled deeply. “I love you so much, Rafael.”

“I love you, too,” Rafael sighed happily. “And you better not forget it.”

“I couldn’t even if I tried,” he breathed, nipping along Rafael’s jaw.

And Rafael knew that it really would be impossible to forget, because what they felt, their emotions, the truth in their hearts went deeper, ran faster and meant a lot more than their sentimental memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not plan that last sentence but CHRIST am I satisfied it happened HA HA! 
> 
> So we've reached the end. Thank you for all your kind words and your enthusiasm for this story, really. I was very emotional while writing this and I'm so happy yall went through this journey along with me. I'll def miss it
> 
> BUT I already have another fic ready to post. It should come some time next week, but while you wait, feel free to go on my profile and read something else -- there are other 41 stories for you to choose!! <3 Have a great weekend, babes!

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank all of you who were over on twitter (@pastelpinktv) helping me along with this. All of you who have voted on my polls and left your enthusiasm in my mentions, thank you SO MUCH. 
> 
> As you've voted, updates are gonna come on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave a little kudo and a comment with your thoughts on this! I very much look forward to everything you have to say. <3 <3 <3


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